


Start again

by sunnysideup



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Nanny Zayn, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, dad liam, mentions of depression and original character deaths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2018-08-17 06:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8133686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysideup/pseuds/sunnysideup
Summary: This last 18 months have all been about endings and not just temporary endings, permanent change and Liam just wants to feel like the ground isn’t quicksand under his feet anymore.A story where Liam's parents head for Australia leaving him with no choice but to find a nanny to help him take care of Hannah.  This is what happens next.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another prompt response from Tumblr for a Nanny/Single Parent AU. Of course I decided to go with angst and a bit of fluff and it took over a little bit! 
> 
> This mentions the death of a parent and brings in Hannah Payne.

Liam agrees to it reluctantly.  He’s got no choice really, he’d already relied too much on his mum and dad since it happened, and it’s not as though they didn’t give him the option to go with them, to go start a new life in Australia, to be reunited with Ruth, Nicola and their families. 

He can’t though, it’d be all too easy to do that, truth is he was so close to taking their passports with them to the airport when mum and dad were getting the flight, it’s not funny. 

That was on Sunday, it’s now Wednesday and the day he’s been dreading, the day he has to actively think about someone new coming into their lives, and not leaving till Liam either scares them off or runs away to Australia as everyone’s predicting he’ll do anyway. 

He’s at the breakfast bar, clutching the mug with coffee he distractedly sips at, thoughts of the weight of everything that’s been these last 18 months on his mind, but every so often in the middle of all that he turns his attention to the sound of his daughter explaining in intricate detail to her collection of teddy bears how to use a spoon.

He’s quite sure she doesn’t notice him pulling his face at the sight of the utensil that he as a grown man of twenty six should be okay with by now.

The ring of the doorbell interrupts his spoon related musings and Hannah jumps up from the floor, favourite teddy in her arms and as Liam gets off the stool, she’s running on ahead into the hall shouting “UNCLE LOOSY,” in a voice that’s much louder than a seven year old’s should be.

Liam follows her into the hall as she stands on her tip toes trying to reach up to the front door to open it, but she can’t reach and turns round, lips forming a pout as she does. 

He picks her up as he goes to open the door, but as he does puts his hand out, she pushes it out of the way, turning the door handle herself and as she does and Louis comes into view, she practically throws herself at him.

It’s a good job Louis knows Hannah well, it’s a good job it’s not the first time she’s flung herself at him and for the umpteenth time, as he adjusts Hannah in his arms, and walks into the house giving Liam a one armed hug as he does, he quips.

“I wish I could say that this was the first time I’ve had beautiful ladies throw themselves at me,” he pauses, just like always for some kind of dramatic effect that was lost the first time he said it in truth “but I’d be lying, thing is none of them are as beautiful as young Miss Payne here,” he finishes his words, with a gentle tap of Hannah’s nose and she dissolves into giggles, shrugging her shoulders and leaning away from Louis before throwing her arms back round his neck. 

Louis presses a kiss onto Hannah’s forehead before he sets her down, and without a look backwards she races up the stairs, singing loudly.

Liam stares after her, grateful for the millionth time that kids are so resilient, that  _she_  is.  

Shame he isn’t.  Shame that the scars on his body are the least of his worries compared to those in his head.

There’s a nudge against his shoulder then, gentle enough so he barely moves but enough to pull him from his reverie.

“Penny for ‘em?”  

Liam turns slightly to face Louis whose face falls at Liam’s expression, everything about him and the way he carries himself probably.  It’s hit him harder than he’d care to admit, his mum and dad leaving.

This last 18 months have all been about endings and not just temporary endings, permanent change and he just wants to feel like the ground isn’t quicksand under his feet anymore.

A hand falls on his arm then and he feels himself moved forward till he’s gently pushed down onto the settee, and then the hand’s gone and he’s dimly aware of the sound of cups and dishes clattering which travels from the kitchen.

There’s a part of him that wants to get up, go and help out but he needs this time, this bit of space before this afternoon happens, before the inevitable pep talk from Louis.

He scrapes a hand through his hair and then rubs at his face with it, tells himself that this is all for the best, because it will be and it’s about time he made a life for himself and that doesn’t mean he’s doing Hannah a disservice.

Doesn’t mean he’s betraying Claire either, even though he’s not even sure that’s the case. Not even sure he has a right to lay claim to anything Claire would have thought. Because while she’s absolutely not been a part of their lives for 18 months, it’s longer than that really.  2 years since he really knew her which makes everything about a thousand times worse.

“Liam, do me a favour mate, stop furrowing your brow, biting at your lip and please just for a few minutes, stop thinking and have this cup of tea while I tell you all about my audition yesterday,”  as Liam looks up, his best mate’s setting the mug of tea down on the coffee table in front of him.  

He’s carrying a packet of plain chocolate digestives under his arm and as he puts his own mug down on a mat on the table, he flings the packet to Liam and then sits on the settee next to Liam.

Liam hears maybe one in every five words, enough to know that Louis has a call back for the final auditions, and he’s so proud really, life for Louis was so hard for so long and now it’s like it’s a domino effect as he gets part after part.

It’s one part of his life that makes him genuinely happy aside from Hannah. 

The heavy sigh from next to him brings him back fully and there’s a hand resting on his knee.

“It’s going to be okay you know mate, this is the best thing, you’re so busy with your job even if you do work from home a lot, and you deserve to have a social life, and Hannah, it’ll be good for her too, not get too attached to just being with you and all that.”

It makes sense, it does and he knows it, hell even Hannah took to reassuring him in the very matter of fact way a 7 year old does.

It still feels like he’s admitting he’s failed though. 

The squeeze of his knee makes him wince but it draws back his attention once more and he turns to face Louis who, oh shit, he’s got his serious face on.

“You’ve made yourself suffer enough Payno, you’ve been through so bloody much and been so bloody stoic even though you barely survived never mind what happened to Claire and well I’ve got a feeling about today you know, a really good feeling.”

Louis finishes off his words with a grin, and a confidence that’s almost contagious. 

The clang of the Grandfather clock comes almost exactly at the same time as the doorbell.

And well, he could hide under the sofa, go and live in the attic and pretend he’s not heard but he’s pretty sure that would happen over Louis’ dead body so with a sigh and a “Here goes nothing,” to Louis who scoffs and mutters something unintelligible which sounds suspiciously like a swear word aimed at Liam, he stands up calling Hannah’s name as he walks into the hall and to the front door.

Louis’ words of optimism come back to haunt them with the first two prospective nannies.

**

The first one seems alright to begin with, mid 30s, frighteningly similar to that super nanny woman of the telly, after a while and some formalities which goes like clockwork, she’s drawing with Hannah and they’re laughing and he’ll freely admit it’s nowhere near as bad as he feared it would be. 

10 minutes later everything changes as the lady leans over Hannah to colour in something and they’re talking generally about living in this area when he sees Hannah flinch, and then jump upwards before she runs to the settee squeezing into the space between Liam and Louis and snuggles into Liam hiding her face on his chest.

The woman apologises although for what Liam’s not sure, there’s no reason Liam can put his finger on, nothing at all until 2 minutes later and there’s no point continuing and he stands up to shake her hand and thank her when he smells it.

Perfume. And not just any perfume.  

It’s like he’s transported back to the day it happened, and all the days before that, not just the bad days but the day they met, all the happier days after that but the strongest sense is that day and there’s a realisation as if he needed it that time may move on, the worst of the feelings may lessen but your senses they don’t change so easily. 

Louis senses the change immediately, eyes Liam warily but on realising he’s not about to fall into a heap he ushers the lady out.   

Liam feels the small hand of his daughter’s grip him then, tugging at him to go back to the settee with her and his legs just about carry him there before he slumps onto it and Hannah finds her space on her dad’s chest once more.

He should book his flight tickets to Australia right now. 

**

The second nanny is practically Mrs Doubtfire’s double.  

Mrs Mainwaring is her name, she turns up in a uniform that looks like it belongs in some kind of boarding school film from the 1950s not this part of London in 2016. 

Liam’s only just shut the front door behind him when she’s walking ahead , running her fingertips along the radiator top and flicking away the dust that’s there before she turns around giving Liam a withering glance that not even his worst, most strict teacher at school could muster.

Things go little better when they’re sat down, and Liam’s already mentally opening the webpage for British Airways or Qantas.

Her response to a question Liam asks about how she’d deal with Hannah if she answered back to her has her out the door within 2 minutes.

“Children should be seen and not heard.”

He walks back in the lounge after she’s gone and it’s like he’s aged 30 years in just over an hour. 

2 out of 2 are no no’s and all his hopes and dreams for the future feel like they’re floating away into thin air and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. 

Hannah’s sat on the floor doodling on a blank piece of paper while Louis stands in the kitchen, leaning against the counter top as he waits for the kettle to boil.

Their eyes meet and he’s not sure who sighs the loudest.

“The next two could be amazing mate, or if not, there’s other options, child minders, and um.”

It’s not often Louis is lost for words and his shoulders slump.   

“Ah well, just buy a nice place where they don’t allow them big fuck off spiders and those killer snakes and make sure you have a Barbie big enough for a thousand sausages on it.”

Liam’s about to reply when a giggle comes from the living room.

“Uncle Loosy said the fub word,” and she’s doing that giggle shrug thing again which Claire always said she got from him. 

Before he can respond, Louis is running past him and gently falling into her on the floor, tickling her and saying how ‘fubbing beautiful you are you little monkey,” and the house is filled with that sound that’s been so rare lately.

Joy and unconfined laughter. 

And he can’t leave this behind, he just can’t go to Australia.  He’ll just have to hide her in his bag each day when he can’t just work at home, when he has to go to work and she’s not in school. 

A plan.   The worst one, but a plan nevertheless.

**

He almost forgets that there’s others coming when the doorbell rings just after 3pm. 

“I’ll get it,” Louis jumps up and goes out to the hall.

Hannah’s okay now, fortified by a packet of Haribo and a new page of the colouring book she loves so much and she’s sat on the floor on the other side of the coffee table leaning on it, with her felt tip pens scattered around her, her teddy bears form a semi circle underneath the bay window. 

As for Liam, well he’s existing.  And that’s enough, just like always it has to be.

He hears Louis’ laugh first, it’s followed by the sound of his booming voice from the hall.

“OH MY GOD, it’s like I’ve just stepped onto an episode of Friends,” and well Liam doesn’t know what to expect then.

Though Louis did just manage a startlingly good impression of Janice, but then he walks into the living room, and Liam’s not sure what or who he expected to follow him in but he doubts he’d have guessed this. 

And on the one level combined with his shock, it dawns on him that it’s not an entirely politically correct thought to have and it’s probably not even that surprising but honestly he didn’t expect 5 foot 9 (ish) of man, about his age, dressed in a pair of skinny jeans, plain blue t-shirt with short sleeves which allows Liam to see the tattoos on his arms and well if that’s not enough then the hair that’s scraped back into a small ponytail at the back of his head and the eyelashes that seem infinite and that’s before he starts on his eyes and well, everything and who can blame him for being a bit stunned.

The nudge from Louis and the not so quiet “You’re staring, stop it,” bring him back. 

The hand that the guy’s holding out for him to shake grips his when Liam finally comes to his senses.

“I’m Zayn, you’re Liam Payne right,” the guy releases his hand then as Liam thinks he nods, hopes he does anyway while Louis points Zayn in the direction of the armchair on the other side of the coffee table, just behind where Hannah’s sat.

Hannah who finally tears her attention away from her colouring book and well like father like daughter apparently as she does an almost comical double take at the sight of Zayn and then flicks her head round to face Liam’s and mouths “It’s a man,” before she flicks her head back to look at…..

Zayn.  That’s what he said his name was wasn’t it?     

Zayn who sits in the armchair, throwing the little rucksack onto the floor by his feet as he does so and then on seeing Hannah’s attention on him, he grins.

He doesn’t just grin though, and even if he had done just that, it’s more than the last lady, no he gets up from the armchair, takes a small step forward then lowers himself so he’s sat on the floor by the coffee table, just a couple of feet from Hannah.

Far enough away that it’s not too imposing but close enough so he can say quietly.

“You must be Hannah, my name’s Zayn, what you colouring in there?”

Hannah bites at her lips and then looks to Liam once more as if asking permission, as if she’s asking if it’s okay, if it’s safe and who the hell is Liam to know?

Zayn, who’s been here all of 5 minutes if that, he’s a stranger and yet.

He finds himself nodding though and Hannah stops biting her lip, and her gaze falls on Zayn before she moves the book slightly, just a couple of inches in Zayn’s direction.

“Birds, and monkeys and flowers,” she turns the pages as Zayn leans over, not crowding her but close enough that Liam sees Hannah breathe in like she’s making sure that no smell will haunt her like the first lady’s smell did, no nasty surprises and as Liam sees the slight lift to the corners of her mouth and as she ever so slightly edges closer to Zayn, she looks down towards the floor and picks up not one felt tip pen but two.

Just for a moment, she’s biting at her lips once more before she opens her mouth as she holds out the two felt tip pens.

“You can help me if you like, colour in I mean.”

Zayn grins and takes one of the felt tip pens without any hesitation and says “Thank you Hannah,” like he really means it and Liam thinks his own face must be a picture.

The hand that swipes at the back of his head and the “Gimme a hand with the tea and coffee Liam,” that’s matched by a withering look on Louis’ face as he says it only confirms that.

“Tea or Coffee mate,” asks Louis of Zayn as Liam stands up to follow him in the direction of the kitchen.

“If you’re making a brew, I’ll have one, no sugars please,” he looks up for just a second before his attention turns back immediately to the colouring book where he’s working on one side of the opened pages and Hannah works on the other.

Liam turns back towards the kitchen, as Louis strides towards the kettle, flicking the switch on as he does, and leans against the counter where he can talk to Louis, or most likely be talked at and also watch Hannah and Zayn.

“Sometimes I forget that the first person you fell in love with was Paul Heath at school.”

He feels the hand on his shoulder then and the withering look is gone. 

“Just remember why you’re here and why he’s here, and concentrate on that okay?”

Liam loves Louis okay?  It’s just that no one has the ability to press his buttons in a bad way quite like Louis and he bristles at the words, because the only thing that’s mattered in his life for so long, the only thing that’s got him up in the morning when all he’s wanted to do is stay cocooned underneath his duvet is Hannah.

And for Louis to say that, well.   

Except he knows that Louis doesn’t mean it quite like that and he can’t deny that somewhere down inside of him, that alongside the hollow feeling he’s so used to, there’s a little fight going on but here and now it doesn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter and so he somehow keeps the snarky response at bay.

“Yeah,” he breathes it out around an exhaled breath that gets cut off by the laughter that comes from the lounge, from his daughter who’s pointing at something Zayn’s done and Zayn’s eyes crease up at the corners and he’s only focused on her and that’s the only thing that matters. 

“Thing is Payno, even if you do focus on what’s important here, your man over there is doing a pretty bloody convincing job of making himself the only possible answer to what you’ve needed for so long.”

Liam turns around at that.  Louis is placing a tea pot with a little cup of milk and some sugar and teacups, a couple of mugs and a plate with biscuits onto a tray and he picks it up and turns it round and walks past Liam and he thinks he won’t say anything else before Louis glances back, flicking his head for Liam to follow him and when Liam’s alongside him and they’re almost at the coffee table, he leans into Liam and says.

“Both of you. That is.”

**

Liam loses track of time, and they don’t say much really, the time is spent with Hannah and Zayn eventually working on the same page, colouring the same flowers and having animated discussions over what colour to fill a particular flower in before Hannah usually wins.

Every so often Zayn glances up and mouths “Is this okay?” and Liam just nods.

At some point Louis disappears for a few minutes and Liam sits back on the settee, it’s just the 3 of them and it shouldn’t be the way it feels.  It shouldn’t feel like this.   It shouldn’t feel this normal.  

Somewhere in the corner of Liam’s mind he realises they haven’t even gotten onto talking about logistics, about why Zayn’s here or anything and that’s where it could all fall apart.

Louis comes back and that’s the moment Liam looks at the time and he remembers then that someone else is due, and he looks helplessly at Louis because he’s not ready, he’s nowhere near ready but then Louis leans into him and whispers.

“I phoned the agency, the final person will come tomorrow instead,” he pauses, a grin taking over his face, “if you even want them to come back that is.”

There aren’t enough words in the universe to describe what a godsend Louis is to them, to him.

At one point, Louis refills the pot of tea and the plate of biscuits gets refilled each time its empty, while Hannah has a tea of cheese and pickle sandwiches and salad.  

When she’s finished, Zayn reaches behind him into his bag and pulls out a sketchbook and he and Hannah move away from the coffee table and lean against the armchair, and Hannah’s eyes expand and her mouth forms an ‘o’ shape as Zayn turns the pages and explains about how each thing he’s drawn. 

Time moves on, the Grandfather clock chimes on each hour and Liam barely notices till it starts to get darker outside, and this time the clock chimes seven times and he notices Hannah’s yawns are getting wider and louder by the minute.

“Miss Payne, how about we get you ready for bed and Daddy will come and read you a bedtime story once he’s had a chat with Zayn.”

Louis stands up then and holds out his hand as Hannah nods, and stands from her position on the floor next to Zayn and for a moment Liam thinks maybe he got it wrong, maybe she’s been pretending, being polite till she turns and falls into Zayn almost, throwing her arms round his neck and Zayn’s hand pats at her back slowly till he presses it against her and squeezes.

Liam doesn’t realise he’s holding his breath till they pull apart and Hannah lifts her hand up to her face, wiping at it and then waves, a small wave which Zayn returns and then she’s walking away and Louis’ hand reaches for her, and if this all falls apart now, if somehow Liam fucks this up, he’ll never forgive himself. 

**

It’s just them now. Liam on the settee with Zayn opposite in the armchair and it all feels so formal suddenly, the lightness in the air stripped away with Hannah’s absence but Liam’s grateful, he needs it like this before he tells Zayn he wants him to stay, be a part of all this. 

Be a part of the family.

Trouble is he’s lost for words, kind of stumped as to how to talk about things, worried that one wrong on either side will kill it, break Hannah’s heart.

“Where’s her mum?” its straight to the point and Liam admires that but then Zayn’s dipping his head slightly, holding up his hand adding, “Sorry, didn’t mean to be so blunt, but I’m guessing she’s not around and its important.”

“You’re right it is, and you don’t need to say sorry,” he pauses because it never gets any easier to talk about and it’s like it happened 5 minutes ago, not over a year ago when he does, “She’s dead, she, erm, she died 18 months ago, car accident, me and Hannah got out, a bit banged up but not so bad but Claire, she’s gone.”

“I’m sorry,” Liam hears the words but can’t bring himself to look up.

“It’s okay, thing is, we’d separated 6 months before, we were properly estranged, didn’t even talk on the phone, my mum and dad used to be the go-betweens and everything was impossible till about 2 weeks before when Hannah got a part in a play and we were at dress rehearsal separately and I caught her eye, and she came over and just like that we got chatting, and we talked about going for a meal, try to make everything at least a bit easier for Hannah, less stressful for our families, and that’s what we were doing that night or intending to do, after the play and then a lorry came out of nowhere.”

His gaze drops to his fingers, the fingers that held onto Claire’s hand as she slipped away and he doesn’t need to shut his eyes to remember Hannah asking him in between her tears if Mummy was ever going to wake up.

The pressure on the space of the settee next to him doesn’t surprise him, he thinks maybe Zayn’s dashed upstairs to get Louis but as he tears his eyes from his fingers, tears his brain from the memories, its Zayn and his lips are moving. 

“I know what it’s like, for Hannah I mean, to lose a parent at a young age, to lose your mum, it throws everything out, makes you different in a way that you never asked for, leaves you left out of conversations and moaning about your parents and how much your mum nags you throughout your life.” 

Zayn takes a breath before he carries on.

“It shapes you, moulds you into something you’d never have been without it, and for some it changes everything in a bad way, for others like me, it gives you a new perspective, some stuff that you only learn when you’re older, when you’re 24 and you realise that the dream of being an artist who sells his art to people is turning into a nightmare of being only able to afford 1 meal a day if that, and being behind on your rent permanently till one night you think, what can I do instead and then it hits you, and that’s why I’m here,”  he’s holding up his hand then, placing it down into the space between them.

“Though I didn’t know that this was your story, just knew you were a single dad, knew I didn’t want to work with or for a woman, it just feels odd, done it once before and it’s just wrong, and I’ll stop talking in a minute, but now I know, now I know yours and Hannah’s story a bit, it makes sense, fate takes us in roundabout routes till we find what we’re here for, and maybe I can help, just maybe.”

Liam watches as he speaks, watches as the words tumble from Zayn’s lips.

He’s always been endlessly fascinated by the way people form their words, how expressive they can be, used to sit for hours in front of the TV, sound off without the subtitles on and just watch.

Zayn doesn’t look at him always as he speaks, looks downwards, like he’s really thinking of what he’s saying even though the words come so fast.  

And Liam, he doesn’t fall fast, these last 18 months, and the 6 months before them, not the slightest thought of anything that’s other than focusing on Hannah has crossed his mind and even thinking this now, it’s crazy. 

Zayn walked into their lives just over 4 hours ago, and it’s hard to explain when something feels right, like it did the first time he saw Paul Heath,  the time he fell for Claire and realised that it didn’t matter to him who he fell in love with, it just felt right somewhere deep inside.

That’s what nearly puts him off, that’s what nearly has him asking Zayn to leave.

Because he’s afraid, and the urge to run upstairs, turn on the computer, book the flights and run away from whatever this could be if he phones up the agency and says yes is so real, so tempting.

There’s a voice in side of him then that asks the question, asks why he’s so afraid, asks why instead of running up the stairs and booking the flights, why he’d want to run right instead and ask Hannah, ask a question that he already knows the answer to.

That Hannah gave to him the moment she threw her arms round Zayn, the moment she confirmed that the instinct of a child is hardly ever wrong. 

The hand that’s in between them on the settee moves then, lifts up till it’s on his arm and he stares at it, at the hand with the small black tattoo of the bird, at the fingers, long fingers with little flecks of felt tip pen colour on the tips of each one.

Liam adjusts his gaze then to Zayn’s face and he’s mouthing the words that he can hear, the “You okay Liam?” that actually sounds genuine in its concern.

Still Liam says nothing, instead he shuts his eyes, looks away, thinks of whether he should give the other person a try tomorrow, thinks of that thing he did when he was younger, before all the reality of life and things not being permanent hit home.

There’s another side to things not being permanent, another way of dealing with it other than living in fear, other than not being stuck in this rut forever and that’s by taking a chance, even though it could blow up spectacularly, do untold damage once more.

Could. 

Could also turn into all he’s ever wanted, all he and Hannah ever needed, and he swears it’s on the tip of his tongue, will swear on it for years to come he thinks when he hears an over exaggerated sigh from near the door to the lounge.

Liam turns round, and Louis and Hannah are stood by the door, similarly put upon expressions on their faces. 

“Dad, it’s almost 8pm and there won’t be any buses back to wherever Mr Zayn lives soon so Mr Zayn please come and read me a bedtime story, and daddy please tell Mr Zayn you want him to stay.”

Liam doesn’t say a thing, just nods before he turns back to Zayn whose hand he realises is still on his arm, Zayn’s who’s smiling and it’s so tempting to say exactly that.

So he does. 

“Just for tonight okay, we’ll talk tomorrow, and I just need to make up the bed in the spare room and we’ll just see if it can work tomorrow, you doing this I mean,”

Zayn’s standing up before Liam can say anything else, before he can murmur quietly that he knows that there’s always buses till gone midnight in this part of London, and that he can just leave its okay, he’s not obliged or beholden.

Zayn’s stood next to Hannah before he can think anything else. Zayn’s talking to Hannah before Liam can do anything else

^What’s your favourite bedtime story at the moment then?”

And Hannah’s replying with “Well I want to read all the Marvel comics dad has in the attic but he says I’ll have nightmares so instead we’re reading Little House on the Prairie.”

Liam’s sure he imagines Zayn’s eyebrows lifting and a smile quirking at the corner of his lips at the mention of Marvel but then they’re gone, he and Hannah and he hears their voices as they head up the stairs, the soft sound of his daughter’s laughter and he knows he’s smiling. 

To his left he hears “Well I don’t like you to tell you I told you so but.”

And maybe just maybe Australia can wait.   

1\. Till after he murders Louis

and 2.  Till he sees where this thing, whatever it is, goes. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's several months on and things are complicated. Contains wise Niall and Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to write - lots has been going on and I have had a lot of this chapter written for months but couldn't bring myself to write more. 
> 
> It's not exactly the fluffiest chapter and does contain mentions of loss and depression, nothing too overt or excessive I hope but fair warning and though I've been through it with a fine tooth comb if there are errors and if it's shit that's all down to me haha. 
> 
> NB. Italics denote a flashback and this chapter is all from Zayn's perspective.

Hannah’s arms wrap around Zayn’s neck as he lifts her up and she says “I love you,” and plants a kiss on his cheek before he sets her down.

He ruffles her hair and then she’s gone, running away, turning around once to wave before she finds her friends in the playground, and just like that, like each morning he watches as she doesn’t give him a second glance, engrossed instead in conversation with her friends.

He stays to watch until she disappears into the school building though, just in case.

He turns away then, huddling closer into the jacket he’s wearing trying to get warmer.  Over the last couple of days, the temperature’s dropped as they march onwards into autumn, the leaves starting to gather on the pavements and on the edge of each kerb.

Zayn glances at his watch, it’s only just turned 9 am and it’s too cold for a walk in the park like he’s been doing most mornings, but he can’t go home yet so instead he changes direction and heads towards the high street.

As he walks he pulls out his phone and fires off a quick text, there’s a reply within a couple of seconds and he speeds up a little at the sight of it.

**

Twenty minutes later, and he’s sat in one of the comfy chairs in the coffee shop that’s become one of his favourite haunts in recent months.

The cappuccino he ordered is on the table in front of him, along with the sultana Danish he bought but has no appetite for.

His eyes are lowered staring at the ground, counting the little patterns of grey and blue as a distraction, anything to avoid the gaze of the man who’s in the chair opposite him.  Knowing it’s merely delaying the inevitable but hoping somehow maybe Niall will just get bored.

He never gets bored though.  Never has and Zayn’s always been grateful for his patience before, just not lately.

Not today.

Zayn’s stubborn however, he can keep this up all day if needs be, he’s the king of the gazing into space soulfully thing anyway according to Niall, and Louis chimes in to agree with Niall when they’re in piss-taking mode when things were easier anyway.

“Oh for fuck's sake.”  Niall’s words are accompanied by the scrape of his chair and him standing up quickly continuing the flurry of swear words as he does and it does the job as Zayn lifts his gaze up.

Niall’s stood there, wet patches on his jumper and on his jeans, glaring down at the coffee cup as it clatters on the floor, half the contents on Niall, half spilling onto the rug and flooring.

Right on cue,  Becca,  the short blonde haired Barista who may have the largest crush on Niall since well…ever, appears cloth in hand and fussing over Niall who blushes bright pink and it distracts Zayn from why he’s here even just for a moment, and even better it distracts Niall from the grilling he was about to give Zayn.

And even though Zayn’s Cappuccino is only half drunk and the sultana Danish lies on the plate invitingly, he seizes the opportunity, the distraction and picks up his jacket, mutters “I’d better go,” and heads for the door.

Till an arm stops him and he hears “Oh no you don’t,” and his shoulders slump as a hand pulls at his arm, drags him backwards until he’s gently pushed back into the seat.

He hears a chair dragged closer, and a quiet “Thank you,” as Becca places a new drink on the table in front of Niall.

“You going to tell me what’s up and why for the last few weeks, you delay going back to that house for as long as you can?”

Zayn bites down a “No,” because he could avoid it but what’s the point?  There’s another voice there that challenges that, asks what the point in talking about it with Niall is?

When the only person he really needs to talk to,  _won’t_.

Except he needs to talk about it, feels like the dam’s going to break any day now, feels like it’ll happen at the worst moment if he’s not careful and that could go one of two ways.

Neither of those ways is good, and there’s no part of Zayn that wants either of those options.

“I think I need to leave, the job I mean, the house,” a name’s on the tip of his tongue but he doesn’t voice it.

“I thought it was going great, the best job you’ve had, inspired to do your artwork and your cartoons.”

Niall finishes his words with a poke of a finger on Zayn’s knee which forces Zayn to look up, meet Niall’s eyes, which Zayn definitely doesn’t want to do because there’s not a human alive who hasn’t met Niall, met those eyes, and been able to lie.

But Zayn hasn’t felt human for weeks, not since it all went to shit, all got set on fire and for a reason, Zayn isn’t even sure he understands.  

So he lies and maybe he’s been spending too long around Louis, picked up some acting skills.

“There’s nothing wrong, it’s just that I need to move on, need to stop falling back on nanny-ing, and focus a bit on my artwork, focus a bit on me, and just be with myself, away from all the distractions.”

“And Liam?”  

Niall’s words shouldn’t feel like he’s punched Zayn in the stomach, and yet. It does the same job as he finds all the words escape him, as he imagines he looks like a goldfish, opening and closing his mouth trying to find words, any words, all those words in a dictionary and yet all he wants to say is “Yeah.”

But he doesn’t, he stays mute and the floor’s suddenly fascinating once more. There’s a silence for who knows how long before he feels a hand on his shoulder and hears a sigh.

“Not gonna force you man, but I’m here for when you’re ready.”

Zayn loves Niall Horan, and he looks up then, knows the smile he offers is weak but it’s a smile at least, and then he glances at the clock on the wall, sees it’s still early, can’t even contemplate going home yet and says.

“Anyway, when are you going to finally do the deed and ask Becca out?”

The laugh from Niall changes Zayn’s smile from weak to a grin in an instant, and somehow he succeeds in pushing all thoughts of Liam far away as Niall then says.

“Well, get me a sandwich, some chocolate fudge cake, and a great big hot chocolate and I may just tell you.”

**

It’s a couple of hours later by the time Niall leaves, and as much as Zayn wants to stay in the coffee shop till Hannah finishes school, he knows he can’t.

He has stuff to be doing at home.  His turn to cook tea for them all, not that they ever eat it together anymore.

The illusion of a family life, or the fragile pieces of a jigsaw resembling one, blown apart recently. Usually, he finds himself in his room, balancing the plate on his lap while he reads a comic, or stares at the four walls.

Sometimes Hannah comes upstairs, plate and cutlery in her hands and sits cross legged on the bed opposite him.  Sometimes she’ll talk about school, sometimes once they’ve finished their tea, he’ll help her with her homework, and sometimes she’ll put the plate to one side and she’ll inspect his arms like she’s done so many times before.

Ask him about what inspired each tattoo, and then when it’s quiet, and when her voice is scarcely above a hush, she’ll talk about her mum.

And she’ll ask Zayn about his and even though it’s been so long, he can recall every detail of her. Every gentle kiss, every shake of her head, every word she said before she was gone forever.

That’s where the similarities end and it’s weird because Zayn never thought he was lucky before. That losing his mum slowly was in any way a good thing, and in so many ways it wasn’t. 

But lately, when Hannah’s face crumples and when everything she says doesn’t belong in the head of a child when the weight of worry for her dad means she doesn’t mention her mum’s name anymore.

And when her memories and sleep are filled with images of her mum that aren’t of love, and tenderness and when though she never voices it to Liam, she talks of fear that the same will happen to her dad.

He knows that you can’t compare it and that no less can or should ever be compared, but he does and so each time her small arms reach out for comfort, he holds on that bit longer.

**

Every day when he comes home, he thinks maybe it’ll be different, back to how it was somehow and yet just like yesterday, and the day before that and so on, as he shuts the door behind him, calls out a “Hello,” and he can see the light from the study upstairs turned on but gets no response, it’s like somehow he’s kicked in the stomach each time, and he should be used to it by now but he doesn’t want to be.

For the first week or so, he thought he’d imagined it because it wasn’t like it all the time. They still ate tea together.

Still watched TV together and on the surface, nothing had changed there either. It was only because Zayn had gotten so used to it, how it had been before, that he noticed.

The difference was that Liam sat at the edge of the sofa rather than sometimes knocking into Zayn when he’d burst into laughter, kick his legs up and down and fall into him when watching Father Ted or whatever box set one of them had chosen for that night when Hannah had gone to bed.

That was the first change and if Zayn hadn’t been afraid then, he soon was.

**

_11 weeks earlier_

_Zayn glances up at the clock for what feels like the 12th time in as many minutes.  It's 10.11pm.  Hannah’s been in bed for over an hour._

_Liam’s late._

_Or is he?   Zayn’s not even sure anymore.  He’s not sure of anything anymore. Right now as he sits at the table in the kitchen, stares at the dish with the lasagne he’d baked and the salad bowl next to it, with the lettuce leaves that are starting to wilt under the light and away from the fridge, half of him wants to laugh at the situation._

_He’s like one of those bored housewives in the afternoon soap operas his mum used to watch before she died and when Zayn was off ill from school and he’d cuddle into her on the settee and she’d complain about how far-fetched they were._

_Except now, it feels all too real as he reaches his hands forward and feels the dish and it's lukewarm now._

_He pushes his own chair backwards then, and stands up, leans forward and picks up the dish and walks across to the pedal bin in the corner, places his foot onto the black pedal and it flicks open._

_He tips the dish upside down and the lasagne falls into the bin.  He’s turning the dish the right way up, placing it into the dishwasher and turning it on when he hears the door open and shut._

_He hates the way he turns around so fast, hates the way he starts to smile, hates the way that as soon as Liam comes into view they make eye contact for a second or two at most before Liam mumbles something, his eyes look anywhere but at Zayn’s as he says “I already ate,” and then disappears upstairs._

_What Zayn hates most of all though?  That all the bravery, all the words he normally finds so easily escape him so he knows that this, whatever this is, will keep happening._

_And it’s like he’s sleep walked into this.  Except, there’s this ever present voice in his head now that says the same three words over and over again._

_You know why._

_He presses his eyes shut, blocks out the noise and carries on._

_**_

It gets better. More like Zayn gets used to it.

He’s had practice after all, though it feels crazy to compare Liam to his mum. He’s not even known him a year yet.

He can’t explain it and yet he feels it so keenly, till one day he doesn’t. Until one day it’s like he somehow unlocks the way he can make this work.

It’s ten days before Christmas.and Louis is sat next to him on the settee, Hannah’s staying with a friend and Liam? 

Zayn hasn’t got a clue, it’s not as though Liam has to account for anything or explain anything, as long as there’s money in Zayn’s bank account each month that’s all Liam owes Zayn and all Zayn owes Liam is a month’s notice. 

A finger prods his thigh interrupting his thoughts and Zayn turns to his right where Louis gives him an appraising look. 

“Penny for all those thoughts about Liam?”

Zayn snorts but there’s a reason he’s never played poker or any card games for that matter more than once, he’s got multiple tells, the most obvious of which is the way he can feel his own face turns scarlet at the mention of Liam, even if he hadn’t blushed though, even if he hadn’t sputtered his way around saying how much he didn’t think of Liam constantly, Louis is shrewd enough to guess because of course, he’s best mates with Liam, but he’s become pretty important to Zayn as well too.

On the face of it, they’re as far apart as people as two individuals can be, and yet they aren’t a pair of Capricorns without them actually finding common ground all the time.

Same county of birth, same tendency to speak their mind and defend themselves and those who they love, same sense of fair play and yet the last but one similarity, they both share this really shit knack of fucking up whatever hopes they had for a life with ‘someone’. 

And Zayn keeps attempting to broach the ‘Harry’ subject but it’s taboo, although the times Zayn mentions it or even says “We can talk about it you know, about you know,” while Louis’ head will do a frantic shake to say no, his lips move but no sound comes out.

So Zayn just gently says “Okay,” and lets Louis thrash him at Fifa and just hope he knows.

It’s just a real shame that Louis can’t take a bloody hint like Zayn can. 

“Come on mate, there’s Liam wandering round like a wet weekend in Scunthorpe, and you are far too pretty to frown like that whenever I even mention his name,”  he feels the slap to his head that’s probably fiercer than Louis intend and lets out a pained “Oww you bloody prick,” as he catches Louis’ hand but that’s the worst mistake ever cause then Louis’ other hands lands on top of Zayn’s and he’s captive then.

To whatever Louis is about to say, ask, or demand and it strikes Zayn then that that’s okay, because if he doesn’t talk to Louis, he’ll yell at Liam and no one, or he thinks no one wants that.

“Liam changed for a bit you know, back to a bit more like he used to be, even before he met her when I’d drag him to bars and we’d end up singing shit old songs on karaoke together and then one day, he went back home and came back with her and she was lovely was Claire, and for a while I think he kidded himself it’d work until one day it stopped working, and he’d work all hours, get back at gone midnight and I’d get a phone call from Claire asking where he was.”

Zayn pulls his hand from between Louis’ and scrapes it through his hair.

“Why are you telling me this? Liam’d throw a fit.”

  Louis’ laugh is hollow and Zayn watches as he raises his eyebrows for a minute then and blows a breath out and then fixes his gazes on Zayn.

“Cause I’m scared he’s going back to how he was, how he’s been for too long even before the accident when all he did was put on a brave face, do what he thought would make everyone else happy, wouldn’t hurt anyone till it ended up doing exactly that, and especially to himself.”

Louis pauses, narrows his eyes and then adds, “And it just so happens I don’t want you to get hurt mate, you don’t deserve to be the collateral damage in this mess, and near death experiences or not Liam needs to get his head out his arse, remember what his daughter needs and see what’s in front of him.”

Zayn doesn’t hear anything after the words ‘near death experiences’ and there’s a buzzing in his ears and okay, he knows by the law of the fact that Liam had been in an accident with Hannah and that Claire had died that it was more than just a prang but Liam had said they’d been banged up a bit?

Somehow he finds his voice and murmurs “Near death experiences?”

Louis for his part looks confused, “Yeah mate, the accident, you know the accident that killed Hannah’s mother, Liam’s wife, the one where Liam almost died and the one where he still won’t have counselling.”

“The one where talking about it and letting Hannah talk about it and the effect on her is too much.” Zayn finishes and he’s aware his words are slightly bitter. 

Louis drops a hand to cover Zayn’s right hand once more and Louis’ voice is softer now, hushed almost, gentle like it is when he’s over and Hannah’s here, and her eyes are tired and he’ll drop to her height and say “Do you need some coco pops from the shop love?” and she’ll nod and then they’ll come back an hour later.  

“Hard to talk about something you’ve no recollection of at all though mate, hard to talk about something you don’t want to try and recall and that when your mates and your family ask doctors about it, they say that it may never come back and maybe that’s okay, lesser of two evils like.”

“But what about Hannah?”

“Liam’s not stupid mate, he knew after his mum and dad went to Australia, knew the moment they said about it and they’d had it planned for years and they offered to stay but he said no, he knew that I’d be here for her, someone a bit removed but someone she knew, but Liam sensed that wasn’t enough and that’s how you ended up on his doorstep, that’s how you ended up here and somehow you ended up here with all your shit, all your history and whatever else, you and Hannah work, and Liam knows that.”

Zayn’s eyes dart upwards from his lap to Louis’, a faint hope suddenly there.

“He’s told you this?”

The sympathetic smile tells all Zayn needs to know even before Louis shakes his head.

“No mate, this is me knowing Liam since we were kids, me knowing what Liam needs better than he does himself, me hoping he realises all that before he messes up once before, and honestly me telling you so you can maybe go easier on him, and I know you’re not being tough on him , and I don’t know what happened between you, and I think it’s nothing more than Liam being scared but I can see a future where you might walk away, and I don’t want that to happen at least without you knowing a little bit of the Liam that he won’t tell you about himself.”

It’s silent in the room, in the house and yet there’s so much noise in Zayn’s head, so many questions and not one that Louis can answer, the only one who can is god knows where and so he somehow manages to get out a thank you, which he emphasises again until Louis is wrapping him up in a hug and there’s this overwhelming urge to cry suddenly cause who knew that complicated, spiky, loud and fucking brilliant Louis could ever be as wise as Zayn’s mum and yet here he is. 

**

**Christmas Eve**

Christmas with Trisha Malik was something wonderful, none of the religion but all the fun and all the presents, gingerbread houses which she’d painstakingly build over a period of days, superhero toys and toy story on repeat all day. while in the kitchen Zayn’s mum and dad would be singing along to Slade and old music Zayn would roll his eyes at them but now stops dead in HMV if he hears them, finds himself filled with nostalgia till he has to walk out. 

Not that long ago he’d looked forward to Christmas here, he’d even saved a Christmas songs playlist, bought a gingerbread house making kit from John Lewis, planned what he’d get Hannah and started what he’d give Liam on Christmas day.

That had all been on hold though till Louis filled him with hope again, till a couple of days later when Liam had come home in time for tea, and Hannah had sat between them on the settee and when Zayn had gone to wash the dishes, suddenly Liam was there brushing against him for a moment as he leaned across Zayn to pick up a tea towel.

“Mind if I help?” he’s said and Zayn knows he didn’t imagine the half smile on his face, knows it was written all over his own face when Liam’s back had been turned.

And that’s why he’s just spent far too much money on getting Elizabeth Shaw mints just like his mum liked, that’s why he’s just spent an hour queueing up for food in M&S and that’s why his step is lighter than it’s been for too long, that’s why he texted Doni earlier to say he’d see her after Christmas, she’s not replied yet but he hopes she’ll be happy that he’s not turning up on her doorstep alone again. 

That’s why he’s confused when as he opens the door there’s a drag along suitcase he recognises as Hannah’s and a rucksack at the bottom of the stairs, and Hannah’s sat on the stairs, coat on offering Zayn a sad smile before she calls out.

“He’s home.”

She stands up then, runs towards Zayn and wraps her arms around him, he can hear her murmur an “I love you,” that sounds way too much like a goodbye and then as the footsteps come down the stairs, and Zayn looks up and Liam’s got a coat on too, she throws a glance back at her dad and says “I’ll wait for the taxi outside.” and disappears outside, door slamming behind her. 

And Liam doesn’t have to say anything but that doesn’t stop him, doesn’t stop him saying more than he’s said to Zayn in too long except Zayn wishes he wouldn’t.

“I can’t be here at Christmas, i just can’t and it’s sunny in Australia and by the time we get there it won’t even be Christmas anymore and I know it’s running away from my problems, and I know I owe you an explanation and I promise to do that when I come back, it’s just.”

Zayn can’t help the sudden anger, the bitterness he feels, “And what the fuck am I supposed to do, sit here like Billy fucking no mates, eat the family sized turkey that I bought less than an hour ago, call the Samaritans at half 11 tomorrow night to talk about how shit telly is on Christmas day these days?”

The way Liam responds, on another day Zayn would be able to see it for what it is, he’d be able to see all this for what it is, he can see it now for fuck's sake, but he’s allowed to be angry okay?

“I got Doni’s number off Niall and texted her when I booked the tickets, and I got you the tickets, managed to get a seat reservation for you and I’ve called a cab for you that’ll come twenty minutes after we go.”

Liam takes a step or two forward then and Zayn doesn’t want to look at him, doesn’t want to look at those eyes that are always so warm, the cheeks that are flushed and the way he can barely bring himself to feel anything bad towards Liam at the best of times, but especially not when he’s got a beanie hat on, but as Liam places the tickets in Zayn’s hand, and as it dawns on Zayn that no wonder Doni didn’t reply to his text and she’s probably waiting for a call and to offer the sympathy she’s always been so ready to supply.and that anger he doesn’t want to feel? 

He looks down at the tickets, sees they’re first class, sees how much money Liam spent and with his other hand he lifts the tickets up, looks Liam right in the eyes and rips them to pieces.

“You can stick your fucking tickets up your arse Liam, I’d rather walk to Bradford than use tickets you bought, have fun running away from your feelings, have fun dragging Hannah down with you, and you’d better fucking pray that I’ll be back here in January to pick up those pieces you’ve left her with her and mend her again.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

And Liam does look sorry, and it would have moved Zayn before he walked through this door a few minutes ago, but instead Zayn makes a decision on the spot, spits out a “Keep it,” before he turns around, walks out the door, past Hannah though he turns back long enough to kiss the top of her head and then without a single glance backwards, walks to the nearest tube station, buys a ticket and then glances at his phone as he steps onto the escalators down the platforms.

There are 3 message alerts, one from Louis: ** _I’m sorry mate I tried to stop him, I'm up in Donny for a few days, give us a shout_**

One from Doni:   ** _I love you Zayn, we can’t wait to see you._**

And then Liam:   _ **I’m sorry.**_

It takes all Zayn’s self-control to not a) walk back to them both and forgive him right now or b) throw his phone onto the track but he manages somehow to not do either.

Instead, he finds the earphones in his pocket, plugs them in, texts his sister back briefly saying he’ll need to borrow her husband’s undies as he’s travelling light and then presses shuffle on Spotify just as he reaches the platform.

Sod’s law that it's Merry Christmas Everyone that plays first. 

Merry fucking Christmas everyone indeed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that was okay. Already have in mind what to write for the 3td chapter which I think will be from Liam's POV though possibly both of them, will contain flashbacks to what happened between them plus it will be lighter at least in part and I hope it won't take as long for me to do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam and Hannah are in Australia.
> 
> Things change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So at least I'm faster with the update this time around, this chapter proved to be hard once more but all writing is hard lately and I just hope it's okay.
> 
> It does cover the loss of a parent but I hope it's not too overplayed I hope, Zayn doesn't feature really in this just like Chapter 2 with Liam. 
> 
> Chapter 4 will come soon, have another couple of stories on the go but I know where I want chapter 4 to go. 
> 
> Any spelling or other errors are down to me.

Christmas Day for Liam and Hannah was spent in the air, part of the grand plan for Liam but just like all of his other plans, it was shit.

And not just because no 8 year old child should have spent Christmas Day on a great big tin object in mid-air even though she’d seemed happy enough, even though not many other nutters had decided to spend Christmas Day on a plane so it had been half full, no the biggest problem had been that if he’d thought he could get one of the reasons, okay the main reason for doing this last minute trip and ‘running away’ just like Zayn said, out of his head.

Well, that backfired spectacularly.

Everywhere he’d turned there was a reminder, whether flicking through the channels on the in-flight entertainment and seeing only Marvel films on there or in the comedies where it was Father Ted as an option to watch, and Brooklyn 99 or when he’d turned on the music and Drake had played first, somewhere out there or up there or more likely down below had been laughing at him. 

He hadn’t joined in though, at some point he’d tried to distract himself by watching Hannah doodle in the colouring books he’d bought her as a last minute Christmas present with a promise of more goodies when they arrived in Australia, but  the trouble is even then it had all been so reminiscent of everything she’d learned from Zayn and not Liam.

So he’d shut his eyes instead but you guessed it, the only face he saw was Zayn’s, so he let it happen, he let his thoughts be full of him and for the first time on that hellishly long flight, he’d felt calm and for one moment, just before he’d drifted off to sleep to dream about Zayn, of course, he’d thought of getting up and begging a steward to ask the pilot if he’d turn around and fly back.

Or maybe he’d dreamt that.

It’s New Year’s Eve now and he’s done okay he thinks, or at least he’s managed to avoid most of his mum’s questions, and Nicola and Ruth have done their usual thing of narrowing their eyes or tilting their heads in concern but never voicing it and he’s grateful.

He thinks he’s even perfected a poker face or a smile that doesn’t feel like his insides are being torn apart as he tries to turn his lips upwards when Hannah talks about Zayn.

All the time.

Most of all, he thinks he’s done okay with the realisation. Of what though?  And there’s the rub cause while he can’t voice it, while his nights are filled alternately with the sound of crashing metal and pain or a soft smile and lips that touched his all too briefly, it’s all an illusion this ‘doing okay’ thing. 

He should have realised that it wouldn’t be his mum or his sisters really.

**

They find a spot right by the harbour, people everywhere, it’s mid afternoon and there’s a hum of conversation that fills even Liam with excitement for what’s to come, and he loves fireworks, loves watching Hannah’s face as she watches them.

And not everyone gets to spend New Year's Eve in Sydney in their lifetime so smiling becomes easier, made all the easier by the wine and beer his mum and dad had brought with them in the icebox.  

It becomes easier for about half an hour till he looks around him, and there’s his sisters with their other halves and then his mum and dad who still somehow manage to resemble a pair of newlyweds even after so many years together. 

Hannah’s made friends with a couple of kids from the group sat next to them and they’re taking in turns for them to wow Hannah with their accent, and her to do the same with hers.  

And then there’s Liam and he’s done pretty well he thinks to not send a text or look at his old texts before now, to not look through pictures from a few months back, to not think about where it all went wrong though he knows, of course, it’s just it’s hard to be here and feel like some sad spare old part even though it’s his family.  

The light dims on his phone just as a hand falls on his shoulder and he looks up.

“Your mum wants some food getting from one of the stalls we passed on the way in, and now they all want some, give us a hand eh son?”

Liam looks around him quickly at the food that surrounds them that mum had put together and that they’d all joked could feed the three thousand, never mind the five hundred and for a moment considers protesting but something stops him so he nods and stands up.

“Hannah love, me and grandad are off to get some food, make sure you don’t run off anywhere okay?”

Hannah looks around for a moment, long enough to flash a quick distracted smile before she turns back to her new friends and then Liam hears his own name being called and runs to catch up with his dad. 

They’ve been walking for ten minutes or so, pretty much in silence past countless stalls before Geoff makes a left turn and they head to a quieter part of the park when Geoff pulls out 2 bottles of beer though from where Liam doesn’t have a clue, it’s  like he’s some kind of magician, just like Liam’s grandad when he was still alive when they’d visit or go on day trips and he’d pull out a fiver from behind his ear and Liam thought no one could do magic as well as his grandad.  

There’s a bench just ahead of them which Geoff reaches first and pats the space next to him, and suddenly there’s a knot in Liam’s stomach which twists inside him so much and so painfully that he wants to turn around, walk right out the park, head straight to the airport and arrive in London, where it’ll be next year so he can forget about this year or maybe even the Antarctic, anywhere except being here right now. 

Instead, he finds himself sat next to his dad, hears the pop of the bottle top being taken off and the bottle placed in his hand. 

“Do you realise that we’ve never talked about well, pretty much anything, since Claire died and even when we do, all you ever say is that you’re okay.”

Liam takes a sip from the bottle, swallowing down the nausea that’s getting worse by the second and shrugs.

“That’s cause I am.”  

It sounds unconvincing even to Liam’s ears, and this has been coming for a long time, even before Zayn came into his life because Liam knows, better than anyone, that you don’t go through what he’s gone through and come out unscathed and you can pretend that you have but one day it’ll catch up. 

“You’ve always been a loud thinker Liam, always, whether it’s those bloody lips of yours pouting cause you didn’t get the ice cream you’d been mithering us to get you on day 1 of that holiday in Cornwall and it was day 14 and you were still sulking, or whether it’s the fact that I know you're dreading this conversation and well, rightly so in a way but maybe it’ll be the saving of you, and that’s not me being all dad knows best, cause if Dad knew best he’d have intervened months ago,” Geoff’s voice falls quieter before he adds, “bloody hell, years ago even so do me a favour love, and talk to me.”

It’s the fact that Geoff calls him ‘love’ that really gets to Liam, his dad’s wonderful, supportive, kind, strong and bullish in support of Liam always, his dad was so important when Liam was bullied at school, and Liam’s never had cause to complain but Geoff Payne is a man that speaks in ‘Son’, ‘Mate,’ and plain old ‘Liam’ except for this distant memory that Liam has when he first came from school with a graze on his knee and his arm and grass stains from where they’d pushed him onto the grass when he was about Hannah’s age and he’d not been able to look anyone in the eyes and had just sat on the steps of the decking down the to lawn, blinking back tears, and all Geoff had had to say was “Come on love, let’s get you cleaned up,” and it had tumbled out.

And here all those years later, the unshed tears sting at his eyes, and he takes another sip as he tries to keep them from falling, tries to focus on the bitter taste of the alcohol and not how he wants, no, needs to talk until there’s no more beer left and he feels the bottle being taken from him and a soft, “Come on love.”

Liam opens his mouth, once, twice, several times like he’s some kind of guppy fish, trying to find the words to articulate everything.

“I fucked up.”

A knee knocks into his then and there’s a “Language son,” that’s said without any heat though Liam still casts a glance at his dad to be certain. 

“It’s like I’m compiling my very own list of top 100 fuck ups and that wouldn’t be so bad if it just affected me, but each time I fuck up, it affects someone else, kills someone else, hurts someone else”

“It wasn’t your fault though Liam, how many times, you weren’t even driving and it wasn’t Claire’s fault either, it wasn’t anyone’s fault except that shit for brains who walked away without a scratch, when are you going to believe that?”

“When I stop hearing Claire’s last words,  when I stop hearing Hannah crying, when I don’t feel and see every single moment of that crash every time I shut my eyes, except that now that’s not the only thing I see and feel, cause now I see and feel-.”

Liam sees before he feels Geoff’s hand on his knee, but it’s unmistakeable the confusion in Geoff’s voice.

“I thought you couldn’t remember a thing, I mean I knew you were conscious before you deteriorated but I thought your memory blocked it out.”

There’s a lot to be said for being dishonest or telling a lie to protect others, and Liam realises why when he looks at his dad, and he wants to roll back time to before he told the truth but it’s too late now, and so well done Liam, you can add your own dad to the list of people you’ve hurt except maybe there’s hope for a way to pretend still so he tries to do what he’s become an expert at in recent years, stick a plaster over the wound to make it seem better.

“I think it’s my mind playing tricks on me mostly Dad,” he risks a look and Geoff’s staring at him so he adds an “Honest,” but he says it with a plea in his voice to his his dad to somehow forget what he’s said because all he wants to do is walk back to where his family and  his daughter are and hurry up to next year which hopefully won’t be as much of a mess as the way he’s ending this year.

Geoff’s shaking his head though. 

“I’m your Dad Liam, I know you and it all makes sense, that’s the worst part that the fact that you kept it from us because you wanted to protect us all makes sense, but how are you ever going to get better, how are you ever going to be able to help you and Hannah really move on until you admit it to yourself, say those words out loud and start to recover the way you deserve to, and let yourself be happy the way I think you could be if you didn’t run away at the first sign of what could be that chance.”

“Dad?” 

Geoff smiles, though it’s a sort of a grim one, “The one good thing about all this is that Hannah’s never lost her ability to talk and she’s the smartest kid I’ve known and she knows you best just like Claire used to, and whatever else you beat yourself up for, at least you’ve never stifled her or made her feel like she can’t talk to anyone because she can and she does and yeah, she’s told us why you’re here and we’re going to talk about that too, but not right now cause,” Geoff trails off, he doesn’t need to add more.

And Liam nods, he still hesitates because it feels like no matter what he says next, it changes everything, he won’t be able to pretend anymore and he’s got this feeling like once he articulates just a few thoughts, it’ll be like some cannonball rolling down a hill out of control, and the words will tumble, if not today then maybe tomorrow, or next week and maybe that’s okay because the thoughts don’t belong in just his head anymore so he shuts his eyes and wills the words out. 

“Louis bought me a book a month or two before you and mum  left to come out here, all about post traumatic stress, all about how memories are blocked and how sometimes that’s okay and that you can move on, and I read it and I convinced myself that was me even though I can still hear the screech of metal on metal, and I can still hear Claire swear just before it happened and I can still remember everything up to it and we were listening to S Club 7 when it happened and I can remember how I managed to turn my head and all I could see,” he takes a shaky breath and corrects himself because though it’s his past it feels like his current every single day, “can see when I think of Claire is her eyes open and a small cut on her forehead, and all I can hear is Hannah crying and the lorry driver shouting that  it wasn’t his fault and that’s it.”

Liam shivers, does his best not to shut his eyes but then he does and Zayn’s not the one there now, it’s Claire and he can feel the words tumble out, though they make no sense, or at least not to him about how all the good memories are gone and there were good memories, they were so good, he and Claire made what Liam realises now wasn’t real conventional love into something that worked for a while but all he can think of is that she was okay without him when they separated, and that trying to make a friendship work, trying to have one last go of what they had ended like this and no one least of all Claire deserved that.

“Neither do you though Liam, not this life sentence.”

Maybe the words made no sense to Liam but he feels an an unquantifiable relief that they somehow made sense to his dad and that he doesn’t have to pretend anymore and so as his dad murmurs, “C’mere kiddo,” and then pulls Liam closer and that’s when he doesn’t fight back the tears and all he can hear is, “let it out, love, just let it out,”  and so Liam does.

Liam’s not sure how long they stay like that though his tears stop falling long before they’re disturbed by the vibration of the phone in the pocket of Geoff’s polo shirt.  

“That’ll be your mum thinking we’ve run away or something.”

Liam leans away then, but his dad doesn’t let him go immediately instead he pulls Liam closer once more and with his free hand for a moment he lifts up Liam’s chin just like he did on the steps of the decking.

“I know this won’t change things for you overnight, but I'm here whether you’re all the way over in England, I’ll be next to you and I’m going to help you, we all are, you’ve done the hardest bit Liam and I’m so proud of you and there’s loads to talk about and it ain’t gonna be no picnic but it’s going to get better cause I’m your Dad and I’m never wrong.”

Liam manages a smile at his dad’s words as Geoff lets go of him and gets up from the bench, stretching out his muscles and picking the phone from his pocket, pressing a couple of buttons and then holding it to his ear.

“‘Ello love, yeah we’re fine, and no i haven’t forgotten, we’ve just been having a catch up, we’ll back in a few minutes,” he pauses, winks at Liam though just like Liam he never quite mastered the art and then adds, “love you too.” before he puts the phone back in the pocket, holds out a hand to Liam and lifts him up.

“We’d better go get that food on the way back or your mum’ll kick my arse all the way over to Auckland if I’m not careful, and on the way back you can tell me all about why the bloody hell you ran all the way to Australia to escape Zayn Malik.”

Liam feels himself blush and then pale just as Geoff snorts a small laugh.

“You should see your face right now, okay maybe that’s enough revelations for today, love chat is more your mum or your sisters' cuppa tea anyway.”

Liam wants to say that’s not the case at all, but instead and he’s never meant it so much before for not just not needing to talk about Zayn but for everything and especially this afternoon, he says, “thank you,” and Geoff just nods and nudges into Liam before he says, “Burgers on you son and then we’re quits.”

**

The New Year doesn’t bring with it a magic wand to make everything turn brilliant immediately, and if anything it’s worse for the first couple of days because it’s as though now he’s admitted it, he can’t take his mind off it.

Liam can’t sleep, and every thought he does have is of either the accident, or of how he’s failed Hannah or of Zayn but that doesn’t help anyone and there’s a moment when Liam realises that he can’t spend his life like this, and okay there is no magic wand, but Liam’s always had more going for him, than against and maybe it’s time to try and not be scared of the past, the present and the future and to take a few things on the chin, learn to work with them and appreciate everything he has.

And well,  he definitely read more of that PTSD book Louis gave him than he thought.  

He has to start changing things, has to start acting like the adult he is,  has to take responsibility and no one else can do that for him.

“Couldn’t sleep again Li?” 

The chin that rests on his shoulder for a moment and the flash of blonde hair he sees just before he turns round are unmistakable as Ruth and he turns round with a smile and the look of concern on his sister’s face is replaced by a fond smile and shake of the head.

“You’re not going to distract me with that bloody smile of yours that easily Payno, it’s to be expected you know, the lack of sleep I mean, you can’t offload all that stuff, and get away unscathed, and I’m not going to sit here and rehash it all, but you can always talk to any of us.”

Liam nods, “I know, listen do you want some breakfast, I’m doing poached egg on toast.”

He should know his sister well enough by now, and he should've learned the Payne tricks of the trade after all these years cause one minute she’s smiling as she says,”Yes please,” before quick as a flash and with a wicked smile that says she knows she’s got her prey, she adds, “And while you’re making it, you can start to tell me all about Zayn Malik and why you’re so intent on fucking it up.”

Liam could delay it all, and Ruth is definitely usually the one that can’t resist Liam’s puppy eyes, back since they were kids, she’d always be the one to give him the extra sweets or the only chicken leg she had on her plate at tea time, and he does get away with it while he makes their breakfast but there’s no delaying it once he’s sat opposite her at the breakfast bar.

“Hannah loves him you know, she’s only got 1 photo of him and yet she keeps on showing it to me each day like it’s the first time she’s ever shown it to me, isn’t he lovely Auntie Roo, and well yes, from all that she says, he certainly seems it.”

That doesn’t help Liam’s guilt one bit, and these last few days have made him acutely aware of the neglect, except that’s rubbish really but the emotional distance he’s had from Hannah for a while and yes, even Liam knows he’s a good dad or certainly not the worst, Geoff even said so, and he loves her with all his heart but it used to be that Liam would be the one to wipe Hannah’s tears, soothe her worries and yet he can’t remember the last time he did that and he doesn’t have to think too long to know who’s been that person for her instead.

“He’s so good for her y’know,” Liam puts the knife and fork down on either side of the plate, “From the moment he walked in the door, they kind of fit, they bounce off each other so well, and it helps that he’s so good at art, he’s so creative and she loves that, and he listens, he actually listens and he can relate to her because his mum died when he was young and all I hear sometimes when I’m upstairs is them laughing or when I’m downstairs, they’re laughing.”

“And what are you doing while all this is happening?” 

Liam meets Ruth’s eyes for just a moment, sort of wishes he hadn’t and lowers his eyes before he meets them again, the time for lying and denial of everything is gone.

“Hiding mostly,”  he admits.  

“Oh, Li.”

Liam waves away her concern, “Didn’t used to, hide I mean, when he first moved in, it was brilliant, it was great, it was like it’s never been in that house, not even when Claire and I had our good days you know cause it felt like it was so natural and we laughed so fucking much, and yeah it was just good.”

“What changed?” Ruth asks.

Liam could sugarcoat it, could mask what happened and pin it all on the trauma, all the nightmares, all the weight of all he’s been through and it’s not a lie at all really and yes that's the root of all this except.

“Too many beers and a bottle of wine.”

Ruth practically spits out the last bit of food she’s eating as she sets the knife and fork down.

“LIMA!”  She pauses as though she’s waiting for Liam’s real answer but Liam just shrugs and then nods, “Well don’t just leave it there.”

Liam jumps off the stool, and walks across to the counter before turning around, “This is gonna require some coffee,” before he turns back around and turns on the coffee machine.

Five minutes later and they’re sat on the terrace overlooking the pool in Geoff and Karen’s garden, mugs of coffee in hand and an impatient Ruth kicking at Liam’s legs.

“Well come on.”

“It’s funny cause that’s almost word for word what he said,” he laughs as Ruth’s mouth falls open.

“It’s just your run of the mill, two people who’ve had too much drink and not enough sex suddenly got the beer goggles on and once Hannah had gone to bed, bonded over Drake and Batman and then kissed and may have tried to take it further before we heard a voice from upstairs shouting for her mum cause she was having a nightmare, and well let’s just say I’ve never sobered up so fast in my life.”

Liam drains the remaining coffee in one go.

“And then what happened?”

“I went upstairs to comfort Hannah, and made a resolution to myself there and then not to complicate things more for a child that’s struggling with the loss of her mum, and not to mess Zayn about anymore or ruin his life or any of tha-.”

The hand on his arm stops him.

“Had Hannah ever told you that Zayn was a problem for her, had she ever told you that you and Zayn getting on was a problem for her, had Zayn ever expressed doubts about the fact that you two got on like a house on fire, not my words those either bro, your daughter said that though she got the metaphor slightly wrong and said you got on like your pants were on fire, or did you just decide all this for them without actually talking to them, asking their opinions?”

Liam opens his mouth but he’s like a guppy fish again and no words come out.

“I knew it, god you’re such a doughnut Liam, have you ever thought that maybe all Hannah cares about is that you’re happy and that a happy dad means that she’d be about three million times happier because she may just be a kid but she had to grow up enough already when you were in the hospital on a ventilator Liam and when she had to hold your hand as Dad wheeled you along at Claire’s funeral a few weeks later, and yet you made her mind up for her without even asking or Zayn for that matter for their opinions?”

“I just didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”  

The words sound stupid as soon as he’s said them.

“That went well then didn’t it?”  Ruth takes the sting out of her words with the circular motion of her fingertips on his hand that’s closest to him for a moment.

“Oh and Liam, beer goggles, really? Have you seen yourself lately, and bloody hell I’ve seen one photo of Zayn and beer may have impeded something but from what I hear, all it did was speed up something that would’ve been inevitable anyway.”

“Louis?”

Ruth grins, “Who else?  I think he had a bet with Zayn’s mate Niall as to how long before it’d happen and then you kiboshed that, his emails were so funny even though the situation wasn’t.”

Liam snorts, “He’s a fine one to talk, he still won’t talk about when he and Harry did it or not, so me and Andy can settle our bet.”

“The second night they met,” Ruth laughs as Liam’s eyebrows raise and he starts to giggle and says, “Fast work Tommo.” before Ruth taps Liam’s arm.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice the attempt to change the subject there little bruv, cards on the table, do you like Zayn?”

What’s that thing about not lying anymore he thinks to himself as he nods his head.

“Do you want to try and fix this mess?”

Liam nods once more.

“Then you know what to do.”

The thing is that Liam does, he knows exactly what to do, has done from the day after the day after it happened but he’s been hindered by fear for so long, and in trying to not hurt people, he’s done exactly that just like Ruth said and he’s got a choice, confront it, explain it and even if it’s not enough, he’ll have tried or keep running till one day he’ll have nothing to do except cross his fingers to hope that Hannah’s not damaged forever and that he won’t spend the rest of his days regretting things. 

So he leans across, kisses his sister on the cheek and thanks every single star that he’s got this family behind him.

**

Liam leans against the door watching as Hannah shuts the lid of her small trolley case and then sits on the bed next to it then leans over to pick up the brand new Koala Bear soft toy her grandma bought her earlier today.

They’re going to the airport in a few hours and they’ve got hours on a plane to talk, but there’s no time like the present and so he knocks on the wall, and smiles as Hannah’s face lights up and she pats the small space the other side of her nearest the pillows.

“Come here Daddy and you can meet Kevin the Koala.”

“How can I refuse an offer like that Han?” He reaches the bed and props up the pillows against the wall to make space for him and then sits down where Hannah puts Kevin the Koala in his lap immediately.

“He’s my best friend Daddy,” she declares and then looks up at Liam.

Her hair and the shape of her face are the image of Claire’s, dark brown and curls though Liam’s hair had been curly when he was a teenager too, and her nose is small with an up turn to it, just like her mum’s, she’s got brown eyes just like Liam’s though and when she laughs her eyes crinkle like Liam’s do.

Liam remembers a time when Hannah would say he was her best friend, and he knows that Kevin the Koala will be her best friend all the way back to London but then?

“I thought Zayn was your best friend.”

Her expression changes and she quickly shakes her head.

“Not if it makes you sad Daddy, plus Selena in school who I sit next to, she could be my best friend too if she stopped being so loud.”

Liam’s been struck dumb too many times this last week, hell these last few years but there’s nothing like a child, nothing like this child that Liam should be protecting, not the other way round telling the truth to leave him lost for words.

He can’t change everything with his words, and children know more than he ever gave Hannah credit for, and actions are the only thing that can really change what’s past, the only thing that can make things right but words can help, they can make a start perhaps.

He pulls Hannah closer to him, just like his Dad with him on that bench just one week ago, and he presses a kiss to her head before he tries to find words that’ll be enough.

“Daddy’s done with being sad, and making you worry about being sad love, daddy wants to be happy and the thing that makes daddy happiest is if you can do what makes you happy, and if that means talking about Zayn all day long then you can rename Kevin if you want to Zayn and you can write stories where all the characters are Zayn and yo-.”

He’s interrupted by the sound of one small giggle and then another and then Hannah’s pulling away and her eyes are scrunched up and he just watches her, doesn’t even know what caused it but it’s too long since she laughed like this with him.

“Silly daddy, Zayn can’t be a koala, Zayn’s a pengerwin, he runs like a pengerwin.”

Zayn does indeed run like a penguin, and the memory of it, back in the early days after Zayn moved in, of Zayn and Liam doing 50 metre races just because Hannah wanted them to and Hannah announcing that Zayn ran like one comes flooding back and he can’t help that he starts to smile and maybe it’s going to be okay after all.

The feel of a small body snuggling into him again distracts him and he looks down just as Hannah looks up at him and there’s one thing Liam forgot.

“And you know you never have to stop talking about your mum, no matter what happens when we get home, you can talk to me about anything okay tiger?”

Hannah nods solemnly before the smile takes over again, “And Zayn the pengerwin?”

Liam shakes his head, squeezes his daughter, ruffles her hair and says, “Especially Zayn the pengerwin.”

**

“Penny for them?”

Liam’s mum’s hand slips into his own as he watches as Hannah flings her arms around her aunties and uncles and then as she dissolves into tears as she hugs Geoff though as Geoff tickles her, the tears are gone in an instant and replaced by loud giggles. 

“Wish it was easy as that for me and what’s to come.” 

“Do you know something, Liam?”  Liam looks down at his mum who five minutes ago had been bawling her eyes out because he and Hannah were going home before just like Hannah, Geoff had made it alright again.  

“What mum?”

Karen takes a deep breath, “When you and Hannah walked into the arrivals hall on Boxing Day, I didn’t know what we were going to do with you, you seemed lost and well no wonder with all that’s been and yet now, listen darling, I don’t know if it’s going to work out perfectly because we know better than most families that you can’t have everything and not all is wonderful, but you’re walking out of here and onto that plane as a completely different person as you were on Boxing day and even all those days since you and Claire started having difficulties,  and I'm not saying it’s easy but the change in you, you just need to be honest with yourself, honest with Zayn and just let it all run its course, but all you can be is you, my beautiful grown up baby boy.”

“He’s a grown man, not a baby boy, for the love of David Essex,” Geoff says with a wink at Liam.

Predictably Karen turns around and aims a slap at her husband right before she turns back and hugs Liam and Liam doesn’t have to look down to know she’s crying again. 

“Come on Karen, let the lad go so he and Hannah can go home and well…”

“See Zayn the pengerwin?” pipes up Hannah and Liam somehow needs to try and get her to stop calling him that before they walk back through the door in London again.

“That’s right Hannah,” and Liam hates Nicola and Ruth as they chorus their agreement.

They all hug one last time, and Liam corals his sisters, their other halves, his mum and dad and Hannah for a selfie and there’s no use prolonging the inevitable and if he’s not careful his mum will cause multiple slip hazards with all her tears so with one last hug and a kiss, and a promise that it won’t be long until next time, they walk off towards security.

“Liam,” his mum calls and Liam and Hannah turn round as she shouts, “Don’t come without Zayn next time,” and then she’s putting her thumbs up, and he can hear Nicola saying, “Mum, you haven’t even met him yet.” 

And Liam just nods and says, “I’ll try my best.” and then he and Hannah turn back around, and walk towards security and who knows what back home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plenty of Liam and Zayn in the next and possibly final or at least penultimate chapter I promise.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn comes back home and things get better for a while till it's his birthday, till everything's too much and the dams break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this next update took so long - the last few months have been A LOT. 
> 
> One more part and possibly an epilogue to go after this. 
> 
> All this chapter is Zayn's POV. 
> 
> Any errors etc., are all down to me.

 

“We’ve been sat here for forty minutes Zayn, not that I mind, but you keep sighing and it’s steaming up the windows something awful.”

Zayn glances across to his older sister who’s got her head cocked to one side, a grin on her face which fades as soon as he shrugs because there’s a good reason they’ve been sat in the car for forty minutes while just up the road, he can see the lights on in the house. 

Except, a good reason?  Perhaps not but he’s had lots of thoughts these last couple of weeks, written down lots of words that he wants to say, some of them words he could never truthfully say to Liam, can barely entertain those thoughts and yet now he’s here, now that he can see that Liam’s home, they’ve escaped him.

And all he really wants to do is walk in the door, punch Liam in the stomach because at least then he’ll know how Zayn’s felt this past couple of weeks, well months and then walk out the door slamming it so loudly, it’ll shudder the whole house.

Oh and go back in and hug Liam and tell him he’s missed him, and of course, Hannah and that’s where it all falls down.

Zayn doesn’t believe in bitterness, doesn’t believe in bearing grudges because one minute your world can be fine and the next it can fall to pieces, and Zayn’s story, his whole family’s story is a testament to that and how you grow from the pieces that lie scattered around you and he’s determined that Liam won’t change that, he won’t allow it.

So why does he constantly feel this burn in his chest and this desire to be the petty one?  

“Is it him? It is isn’t it?”  

Zayn opens one eye and shoots a sidelong look at Doniya. There’s a popular myth, mostly spread around in Zayn’s head alone but it feels ever-present that Zayn was the one who stepped up in the aftermath of their mum’s death, that picked up the pieces, that carried on while Yaser and the family struggled.

It’s a massive lie really because it’s always been Doniya, quietly in the background, doing everything unnoticed just like Trisha once did and okay, Zayn made sacrifices too, the uni degree for one, the travelling the world thing and all that but it was Doniya who made sure they remained a family, just like this year, just like she was ready to catch him and ready to pretend like nothing had happened these last couple of weeks and yet always there to press a kiss to Zayn’s head and an “It’ll be okay,” just like she did when his mum slipped away.

Zayn just nods. 

“You never talk to me anymore Zayn, and I get it, I get that you’ve always processed things emotionally like this or at least like that with us, but maybe he’s got stuff to say to you and maybe you could listen instead of writing it all off.”

Zayn’s head snaps back up, “I haven’t written anything off,” he protests because it’s true, he hasn’t.

Not really. 

“Well, what are you waiting for then?” 

Doniya pats Zayn’s knee, undoes her seatbelt and leans across wrapping Zayn up in a hug even though it’s awkward and Zayn relaxes into her and whispers an, “I love you so much,” before she lets go and Zayn undoes his own seatbelt and reaches for the handle of the door before he hesitates.

He’s got so much he wants to say, so much advice he wants, wants to beg to stay until he’s had his birthday at least except moping around the house wouldn’t be good and he knows Dee could give it all to him, or Niall or even Louis but he doesn’t want to be persuaded to do anything that isn’t his own instinct whether that’s for the best or not so he tells himself to open the door and he hears Doniya’s door slam just after his and then she’s opening the boot and handing him his luggage and whispering in his ear a word that sounds like ‘courage’ then she’s gone, and he hears the door slam and he finds himself waving as she drives off and it’s too cold to be stood outside so he digs deep into his pockets, finds the key and automatic pilot takes him there even if his feet want to stay frozen. 

As Zayn nears the front door, then holds up the key and turns it in the lock,  he can hear music from inside and it throws him for a moment, throws him enough that he takes a step back and looks up at the number but sure enough it’s the right house.

The sound of the door opening is drowned out by the music, and he shuts it quietly behind him, just a small click announcing his arrival and then he takes one step and puts his bags on the floor, then he takes another step and he can see them then.

Hannah and Liam.   

Even if all had been fine between him and Liam, it still feels different, there’s a whole different kind of energy and Zayn’s always been into that in a building, be it a house or anywhere really.   

The house Zayn was brought up in had energy that had warmed him even in mid-winter even when his mum and dad were struggling to pay bills, his mum had created it, instilled it and made Zayn feel safe.

Right till she was gone and with that suddenly they did need central heating except it wasn’t enough because suddenly there was no one's embrace to fill that void or none quite like his mum’s.

And there’s a part of Zayn that knows that’s hard on his dad, and his sisters and the extended family and there’s no love quite like his dad’s and no wisdom quite like the wisdom in someone as young as Doniya.

It’s just not the same and Zayn had given up on finding it again.

Till he’d first walked into this house and it had felt like Hannah’s small hand was a halfway house back to that warmth and Liam? 

Liam had been the nearest thing to making him feel he was in the right place at last.  Gone had been the flights of fancy of travelling, of escaping the fact that he no longer felt like he had a place to be, to feel like he belonged. 

And if nothing else, those first months were something that could still make him feel that warmth, but it had gone in the blink of an eye and Zayn doesn’t deal with loss well, and Zayn doesn’t deal with people running away from him even though he knows he’s complicated, he was prepared for anything except Liam running away.

He was prepared for anything today too, the locks being changed, the house feeling cold and Hannah running up to him with a hug, while Liam sat upstairs and maybe just maybe graced him with his presence later. 

He just wasn’t prepared for this and before he can stop himself, he’s turning away, reaching for the door.

“Zayn?”

Zayn freezes as he hears his name, and it’s not Hannah, it’s Liam and he’s forgotten how it felt to have Liam say his name, and for just a moment he feels the urge to turn round and to say Liam’s name and then they’d smile shyly and the months would roll back and they’d find each other and it’d all work out.

Life’s not like that though so he doesn’t turn round, though his hand freezes on the door handle and he can feel Liam’s eyes on him but it’s just like it was on Christmas Eve, the hurt is crashing back and down on Zayn and there’s so much he wants to say and if he turns around he’ll say it all and that can’t happen.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, hand frozen in position and still feeling Liam’s eyes on him but then a small hand finds his free one and it only takes a small tug and he’s turning back around, and Hannah’s looking up at him smiling as they walk past Liam and Zayn can’t look him in the eyes and Liam doesn’t say another word.

And it feels like everything’s changed but Zayn still feels the same.

**

Zayn eats downstairs with Liam and Hannah now,  and Liam comes and sits next to him on the settee when Hannah’s gone to bed and it gets into a routine.

Except it’s a tense routine, it feels to Zayn that he’s on a permanently short fuse, there’s a whole load his brain is telling him to say, a world of resentment and confusion and hurt and there’s a Louis like voice in his head saying, “Let it out, mate, but then make sure you don’t stop listening to Liam.”

Trouble is he can’t listen to Liam, not when his brain is shouting at him, shouting all kinds of thoughts that Zayn’s too afraid to let out because if he does he knows there’s no turning back.

Perhaps there  _ is _ no turning back though, perhaps it’s best to admit that there will never be a way back and maybe delaying the inevitable will make it hurt even more though Zayn doubts it could ever hurt more than now.

He’s started the process of looking elsewhere, not full-pelt yet but he’s started putting the feelers out, and so far it’s looking positive, if nothing else it’s something to focus on if things get too awkward here. 

And maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. 

The hand that pokes him so briefly on his knee jerks him from his thoughts and he can’t help the sharp glare he sends Liam’s way even though he tries, too late, to hide his irritation and Liam’s got this knack, he really does, of making Zayn feel like he’s kicked a puppy when the smile that was on Liam’s face, that Zayn had seen as he’d sent the glare his way, falls away so fast and he’s rubbing at his neck and mumbling out words Zayn can’t make out.

“Stop mumbling, say what you were gonna say.”

Even Zayn winces internally at the tone of his own voice the irritation making itself plain and he needs to stop, he does and he needs to say he’s sorry but there’s this little voice in his head, like a woodpecker pecking away at him, telling him that he has nothing to be sorry for, it’s all on Liam so he doesn’t say a word, just sends what he knows is another irritated glance Liam’s way and Liam shrinks back even more.

“Sorry sorry, I just wondered if you wanted to carry on watching the box set of the Attenborough stuff we were watching, well,” Liam hesitates, “Before.”

In amidst all of Liam’s words, the sorries which aren’t the apologies or explanations Zayn craves and in amongst the ‘before’ Zayn feels this stab of hope, it’s so small but the shy smile Liam offers him, the shrug of his shoulders and then.

“It's the bit with the polar bears, and I just really want to know whether he makes it, the baby one yeah but if you don’t want to or if you’ve already seen it then that’s fine too, it’s been a while after all.”

Zayn doesn’t even know what it is really, but it gets through somehow, chips through his armour and he’s tired of walking on eggshells and being mad at Liam when Liam owes him nothing, okay maybe an explanation but that’s all and maybe love won’t be found here but he can at least try and make the best of it.

For now.

“Yeah,” he murmurs as if he’s testing how the word sounds in his mouth before he says it clearer, louder and he looks at Liam then and the smile that forms on Zayn’s lips feels more natural than any glare or flash of irritation and Liam’s face, it lights up.

“Yeah, why not,” he repeats.  

**

The baby polar bear survives the winter, just about, and it thrives before David Attenborough and his camera crew leaves him, his family and every other animal to do what nature and fate intend for them.  

And it’s a bit like Zayn for the next few days because things return to a kind of normal properly then, there’s no more walking on eggshells, no more awkward silences and it feels okay.

Then it’s Zayn’s birthday. 

Zayn’s always been this mix of wanting to spend the entire day in bed, stuffing his face with jelly babies and birthday cake he’d have mournfully made for himself or Niall would have bought him a cheap one from the corner shop and shoved a candle on it before he dragged him down the local and if Zayn was particularly unlucky, dragged him up to sing some cheesy song on the karaoke.  

Or last year, Niall had been away and so Doniya had insisted he went home and spent it with her and all the family and he’d felt like this tragic loser with no friends, no partner to care about him and it had been a dead loss except the cake had been better.

He’s basically a 60-year-old bachelor before his time and today’s no different and even though things are easier now, he still plans to do nothing today except take Hannah to school, and then come back and see if he can avoid Niall dragging him to the cafe or to the pub for lunch and exchange a few texts with family.

Best laid plans and all that.

The frantic whispering that’s actually Liam whispering but Hannah who’s not quite mastered the art of it is his first clue.

The balloons that are tied to the banister at the bottom of the stairs are his next clue.

And then the “1, 2, 3,” followed by, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Za-a-yn, Happy birthday to you,” are of course the final giveaway as he walks into the living room and stares at Liam and Hannah in the kitchen for a moment before he looks around him.

There are banners along the wall of the living room which have ‘Happy birthday’ all over them in colourful writing, and then there are balloons hanging off anywhere that balloons can be secured to.

And then in the kitchen, it’s the same story, there’s a birthday cake on the small table where they eat each morning, and not just any kind of cake, but Zayn doesn’t look at it immediately, instead, he looks at Liam and at Hannah.

Hannah’s the picture of excitement, it’s only just gone 7 am and she’d normally need coaxing into her school uniform for another hour but she’s up and dressed, hair tied back, practically bouncing where she stands.

And Liam. Liam’s got this tentative smile on his face though whenever he switches his gaze to Hannah, he beams before he looks back at Zayn and Zayn can’t help but meet his eyes for a moment.

All he sees there is all he ever wanted, even though it’s fleeting, it’s all he ever dreamed of. Finally.

So why does he feel like he needs to be sick?  Why does it make his stomach feel like he’s been kicked instead?  

He swallows it down somehow and forces a smile onto his face when he notices that Hannah and Liam look concerned and that Liam’s taking a step forward, head tilted to one side and it feels like too superhuman an effort but somehow he doesn’t just smile, he grins and then he’s drawing Hannah into a hug and hearing Liam shout “Happy Birthday babe.”

And maybe just maybe he can make it through today. 

Zayn makes it through breakfast somehow, the smile he offers up and the way he knows he rolls his eyes as he gazes down at the funnily shaped waffle with ice cream and strawberries that Hannah presents to him isn’t forced at all.

The surprise and delight he feels when he realises the cake is a superhero one, and not just any but a Green Lantern one is also genuine and he finds himself smiling along, even giggling as Hannah and Liam go through this elaborate attempt at fooling him into thinking they made the cake before they predictably arse it up themselves and neither of them is great at lying.

Harry made the cake apparently, and it’s a miracle also apparently that they’ve managed to avoid eating it already and it _ does  _ look good though there’s a part of Zayn that knows he should be above this type of birthday cake now. 

Too old and too mature for it but he reasons that he spent at least some of his childhood growing up before his time so why not enjoy a bit of childish fun from time to time?

He and Hannah head for school a little while later and Liam sees them off at the door, and says something except when Zayn turns around and says. “What’s that?”

The words seem to die on Liam’s lips and he looks uncertain and he shakes his head and offers, “Just saying have a good day at school Han,” and Zayn doesn’t believe him, doesn’t believe for one second that was what Liam wanted to say but he shrugs it off.

An hour later and Zayn’s on his way to the coffee shop, the promise of a ‘big fuck off slice of whatever you fancy, no not like that you filthy bastard Malik, and a great big mug of coffee on me,” isn’t even that tempting.

Thing is while the last few days Zayn’s had no qualms about going home after dropping Hannah off, and he’s even shared a mid-morning drink with Liam and listened to the radio or recommended songs to Liam that he’d not shared with him in a long time, for some reason he feels odd about doing it today. 

And the thing is as he rounds the corner of the street and pushes open the door to the coffee shop and Niall’s there, open-armed, and shouting out Happy Birthday loud enough that Zayn thinks the entire population of the city knows it’s his birthday now, he figures it’s his birthday and he can do anything he wants.

Even if it means hiding. 

Five hours, yes Five hours, later and Zayn’s consumed enough coffee that he thinks he won’t go to sleep again before his next birthday and consumed enough cake that he could probably roll to Hannah’s school to collect her.

He suggests to Niall that he should come with him to collect Hannah knowing how much she’d love it, that Niall’s almost as much of a favourite in her life as Zayn is, but for the last half hour Niall’s been getting edgy which isn’t really something Zayn’s used to.

“That’s the twelfth time in as many minutes if not less that you’ve looked at your watch Horan, and your leg is gonna be aching the amount of nervous bobbing up and down it’s doing and I’m not being funny mate, but you’re the last person in the world to worry about the time usually or at least when I’m with you so what’s up?”

Niall furrows his brow, looks Zayn in the eyes for all of about two seconds before he shakes his head, and mutters something unintelligible, probably something in Gaelic he’s not bothered teaching Zayn yet, and then stares at his watch again before he snaps.

“You said five minutes about me going with you to collect Hannah and yet you’re still sat here Malik, birthday or no birthday you need to go collect her or had you forgotten that?”

Zayn blinks, it’s a good job he’s sat down or he thinks he’d take a step back, it’s an uncharacteristic level of harshness from Niall and he’s suddenly confused, worried even.

“Niall, are you-?  I mean, is everything okay?”

Niall’s expression softens immediately, and he sighs then reaching a hand out to grab hold of Zayn’s just as Becca appears and maybe it’s catching as she pointedly looks at the watch on her own wrist and tuts loudly.

And Zayn’s just about had it and stands up, pulling his hand away from Niall’s and muttering, though he hopes not unintelligibly about bossy friends and bossy girlfriends of friends and that is his birthday after all but fuck them.

He hopes his dramatic slamming of the door behind him as he exits the coffee shop says it all, but instead it almost slams shut in a woman’s face and Zayn’s mortified and goes running back to say he’s sorry and opens the door for her, careful to avoid Niall and Becca’s stares  he can feel burning into him and she’s waving him off and smiling thankfully.

He manages to get away this time. 

** 

Zayn’s first warning should have been this morning with the house all decorated and the fact that Liam and Hannah were vehement in their denial of cutting into his birthday cake at that time, but honestly he just thought it was Liam being healthy or something?

His second warning should have been Niall’s behaviour but he just thought it was the fault of too much coffee or not enough even. 

His third warning was that Hannah practically ran them back home before she slowed as they neared home and then peered around the corner of their road, tensing a little before she did a celebratory punch in the air and grabbed hold of Zayn’s hand and dragged him towards their front door.

His fourth warning should have been more cars on their road or at least more cars parked up on the other side of the road, but he’s always been more observant of people than objects.

Except, apparently he isn’t even that observant. 

The fifth and final warning isn’t even a warning, it’s the confirmation that he should have paid attention to the previous warnings as he reaches for the key in his pocket as they approach the front door and he hears music just like he did when he came back here not that long ago, but he doesn’t need to use the key cause the door opens and he is standing now and he does take a step backward this time.

“Dad?”

It’s like he’s entered another world, and he thinks maybe he banged his head and he’s arrived back in Bradford except then Liam appears and he feels a squeeze of his hand and looks down towards Hannah who’s grinning broadly.

And then he looks back to Liam and then to his dad and Liam’s placing an arm on Yaser’s shoulder and smiling.

“He does look shocked, you were right, Mr. Malik.”

But then Yaser’s not looking at Zayn anymore, instead, he’s wagging his finger at Liam, “What did I tell you about calling me Mr. Malik, Liam, it’s Yaser, any friend of Liam’s is a friend of mine.”

Then his dad’s turning to him and Zayn vaguely feels his hand grab Zayn’s other free one and he and Hannah pull Zayn into the house and the music stops and all Zayn hears then is cheers and then people singing Happy Birthday as he’s pulled forward into the living room, and there are familiar faces everywhere.

Family, friends and not just friends from around here, friends from home and then Louis, Niall, Harry, Becca and they’re all smiling and singing and then cheering and shouting ‘Hip hip hooray’

All Zayn can think is it’s good his dad and Hannah have hold of his hands as he figures he’d be out cold on the floor otherwise.  

The next hour or two passes by in a blur, Zayn does as he thinks he should, smiles gratefully, opens more presents than he’s seen in years, probably since his mum was alive and his last birthday when she was around.  

Niall’s so apologetic but Zayn shrugs it off, and he thanks Harry for his amazing cake, and it’s as good as it looked.

He spends time talking to Ant and Danny, and it’s like always, they pick up like they were together yesterday, just like the old days and he’s so genuinely happy and grateful for that.

Zayn talks to Doniya, Wali and Safaa who extoll Liam’s virtues to him which confuses him no end, all while Hannah follows Safaa and Wali around staring at them in awe and they tolerate it, welcome her into their lives and it feels good, no, great to see them doing this. 

He does one other thing long into the early evening that turns into night as numbers dwindle, and people start to head off. 

He ignores Liam.  Every time Liam comes anywhere near him, he excuses himself and walks away, every time Liam catches his eye, Zayn lowers his. 

Zayn knows it what was always going to come, that try as he might he couldn’t keep the hurt down forever, and this?  All this performance, all this in honour of Zayn, he’ll never reject the chance of seeing so many people that mean so much to him together in the same place.

And if this had been next year, had it not come so soon after all the shit that Liam had put Zayn through, and not just Zayn, his own daughter too, then maybe Zayn would be so fucking chuffed right now. 

Instead of bristling with anger. 

The wine he’s had doesn’t help him to make reasoned decisions as he finds himself upstairs in his room, opening up the laptop then his emails and typing out a few words on one particular email, his finger hovering over the send button as he re-reads it to make sure he’s said what he wants to say.

Then there’s a knock on the door and he knows that knock from anywhere.  

He puts the laptop down next to him, for some reason he glances at himself in the mirror as he stands up and takes a deep breath then calls out.

“Come in.”

The door opens and Liam’s there, a half smile on his face, cheeks flushed pink with a bit too much alcohol like most adults still in the house probably. 

“Just wondered if you were okay, you’ve been up here a bit of time and everyone’s missing the birthday boy plus it’s almost Hannah’s bedtime and I-.”

Zayn’s laugh is more bitter than he intended it to sound but he decides he doesn’t actually mind, maybe he's a more bitter person than he ever thought.

“It’s okay mate, I may be drinking, it may be my birthday but I won’t neglect my job duties, that’ll never be me.”

Liam’s waving his hands around as if he’s trying to put out an imaginary fire, and maybe he is in a way, maybe he’s aware of how the thing, this thing, could blow out of control at any moment. 

Then he’s speaking.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that, Zayn, come on you know I didn’t, I can put her to bed and you can just go down and catch up with your dad and Doni, or go down the pub with Ant and Danny.”

“Shut up Liam.”

Liam does instantly, must recognise the warning in Zayn’s tone and his hands stop moving then but he’s holding them up, as if in surrender as if to placate Zayn, but it does the opposite. 

“Doni, Ant, Danny, " Zayn mimics Liam's voice, "it’s almost as if you’ve blocked out that last year happened, or the time you blocked me out happened, it’s as if you think that having all my family and friends here and god knows how you pulled that off anyway, makes up for that bollocks, makes up for you running away from me at Christmas, is a way of excusing your behaviour that didn’t just hurt me but hurt Hannah you selfish fucking dickhead.”

Liam says nothing.  Sensibly but all it does is enrage Zayn further who sneers, then snorts out a laugh. 

“How very typically Liam Payne, to shut up shop, to not say a word, to try and act like he’s doing the placating and letting me go on with ranting and then a bit later, you’ll be all ‘Well I just thought it best to let him rant’,” Zayn pauses,  “Except everyone downstairs wasn’t here, you don’t have the monopoly on grief Liam, and even if you did it doesn’t excuse you treating me like shit, your friends like shit, and your own daughter.”

Liam murmurs something then that sounds an awful lot like an apology. 

Too late.  

Liam takes a step forward and Zayn takes a step back, looks Liam up and down.

“There was a time Liam when I looked at you, and I thought you were capable of anything,  I thought that given time, given a chance to heal with the right people around you to support you, give you that space to deal with the fact that yeah you almost died, and yeah you lost your wife, you’d be okay and that maybe your way of dealing with it was okay, was understandable and I think it was, until then, until you became a coward and now when I look at you, I can try and repair what happened and try and forget, but every time you’re stood in front of me, you’re that man on Christmas Eve looking small and scared and I don’t need that, I never needed that.”

Liam looks wounded, hurt but then oh so serious, oh so solemn, oh so something else Zayn doesn't want to consider.

“I know, you needed me, and I know that now, and I know that instead of running I should have stayed, but.”

“But what Liam?”

Liam shrugs chews on his bottom lip. “I dunno,” he admits.  

Zayn nods, glances down to his laptop and looks back up at Liam, mind made up. 

“Handing in me notice Liam, I’ll work the month if you want me to, but I’ll understand as well if that would make things too upsetting for Hannah.”

Liam resembles a goldfish for a couple of minutes. Zayn pretends not to notice how Liam wipes at his eyes absentmindedly and does his best himself to push back down the moisture and stinging in his own eyes. 

“Whenever suits you is fine for me Zayn,  just thanks for everything, I’ve learned so much you know, wish it could’ve been different,” then as an afterthought, he adds a, “Sorry.”

In Zayn’s head, he practiced more words, has them on the tip of his tongue but they fail him now and so he just smiles, the most genuine smile all day and takes a step towards Liam, reaches out his hand and he’s pleasantly surprised when Liam reaches his own out to squeeze it. 

“Thank you, Liam, thank you.”

Liam’s hand drops from his and Zayn turns away,  looks back down towards his laptop and he’s just about to press send when he hears the door shut behind him. 

He sinks down onto the bed face first and wishes for sleep to come, and hopes he’s lucky enough for it to be long enough he doesn’t wake up till it’s all over.  

**

Zayn stays another ten days,  it gets easier before it suddenly doesn’t. 

Freed from having to be polite for the sake of a job, not that he ever really adhered to it anyway, it’s like being with a mate and his daughter for a while and it’s back to how it was in the days after he came back after Christmas, shorn of any awkwardness completely now though. 

Of course, with it comes this voice in his head telling him he’s making a mistake but he ignores it because maybe short term he is, maybe it would be simpler to stay, but there’s only one way this all ends if he stayed.  

He wants to leave here, loving Liam, and yet staying would only make him hate him. 

And yeah that sucks but life generally does.   

Too soon, it’s the last day, a Sunday when he shuts the last of his cases, picks it up and walks to the door of his room, taking one last long look and then pulls it shut behind him. 

Hannah’s waiting at the bottom of the stairs, blinking back tears while Louis stands with Liam in the kitchen whispering in his ear as Liam forces a fake smile to his face.

Same honestly.

Louis is taking him home, to what Zayn isn’t sure yet. He still hasn’t pressed send on the email yet, he’s not sure what to do with his life, except the one certainty he has is that he’s doing the right thing leaving. 

“You almost ready to go mate?” asks Louis.  

The true answer to that would be a no, but Zayn responds with a, “Yeah, just gimme a couple of minutes eh mate?”

“Right you are, and that’s my cue to go I think, I’ll go load up the car, you three need a minute and I’m shit at emotional goodbyes, just don’t flood the house ‘kay?”

Louis squeezes Liam’s shoulder reassuringly and Liam reaches back but then he’s left clawing in the air almost like he’s without his lifejacket suddenly.  

And then Louis presses a kiss to the top of Hannah’s head, murmuring “He’s not leaving the country love, and I promise me and your dad’ll drive you up to see him whenever you want.”

Then he’s mouthing a, “It’ll be okay mate,” to Zayn before he picks up the bags and doesn’t even complain once as Hannah runs to the door and opens it for him and then shuts it once he’s outside.

Leaving just the three of them and Zayn gestures for Hannah to come to home as he sits on the stairs and she sits next to him leaning her head on his shoulder.

“Uncle Louis is right you know, I’m not far away and I’m never far away by phone or text or email or skype or whatever you wanna do Hannah.”

She sniffs but nods.

“Thank you Zaynie, thank you for making me smile, making my dad smile and for making me the coolest kid in school every day when you walked me to the school gate.”

“Now you tell me?”

Hannah giggles but soon her face screws up and the tears come heavier now and he draws her in closer, murmuring words of comfort that if he’s honest aren’t just for her to hear but himself, and maybe even Liam.

They’re like that for maybe five minutes when Hannah pulls away, the tears now dried on her face and jumps off the stairs standing before Zayn.

“Suppose I’d better give you and Dad the chance to talk, just hope he doesn’t cry on you like me eh?”

Zayn stands up then before he crouches before Hannah, holding her small hand and then with his other pushing a curl away from her eyes.

“Not so fast Miss Payne, thank YOU for being the most amazing little girl, and for teaching me more than you could ever know,  I’m always here you know, always,” and then as he pulls her into him for a final, for now, hug he whispers in her ear, “And make sure you look after your dad okay?”

Her expression is solemn as Zayn releases her from the hug and says, “I will.” but then she presses a kiss to Zayn’s cheek, and then grins.

“I’m going to phone Katie now tell daddy how much you love him, bye.” 

And then she’s gone, thundering up the stairs giggling loudly before she stops at the top and yells, “Oh and dad, don’t forget the present.” 

Then she’s gone, leaving just Zayn and Liam. 

Liam’s who’s suddenly next to Zayn gesturing up the stairs and knocking into Zayn with his shoulder.

“And tell daddy how much you love him?  Kids eh?”

Zayn says nothing which is better than what his instinct tells him to say but then common sense kicks in.

“Don’t forget she has to be at school by half 8 each morning or half seven if you want to enrol her in the breakfast club, and she has homework to do three times a week which she sails through most times but she likes to sit and tell you the story she’s going to write first of all.”

Zayn’s aware in his peripheral vision of Liam nodding.

“You wrote all that down Zayn, and you’ve spent the last three days telling me all that, thank you, thank you for everything and I’m so sorry it didn’t work out, so sorry everything I did fucked it up.”

Zayn shakes his head, lifts up a hand and turns to face Liam and before he can stop himself, he’s reaching that hand up to sweep a little bit of Liam’s hair away from his forehead, similar to what he did with Hannah’s but different, so different.

A voice in his head tells him to stop, another voice in his head tells him to never stop.

Instead, his hand jerks away and hovers in mid-air.  

“Hey, don’t be sorry, I’ve learned so much about me, about you and yeah okay it didn’t work out here, but in another time and place, it would and it would have been perfect.”

Liam’s hand catches Zayn’s and brings it down, rubbing soothing circles his thumb and Zayn looks at Liam, looks into his eyes and he could say a million other words, so could Liam but instead Zayn leans forward, closes the gap between them and it lasts for all of maybe two seconds but it’s two seconds that Zayn knows he’ll never forget. 

Then their lips part and Liam smiles and it’s infectious, it’s always been infectious when Liam smiles. 

“Yeah, perfect,” agrees Liam and it’s a funny kind of way of saying goodbye but it feels okay. 

Liam walks Zayn to the door, hand in hand, and then Zayn steps out into the cold and though Liam’s hand isn’t holding his anymore, it still feels warm.

He turns away to open the gate and Louis winds down the passenger window of his car and shouts out, “About fucking time too, did you shag him or summat?”

And Zayn laughs and turns back to look at Liam whose shoulders are shaking with laughter and he mouths a “See you then,” to Liam who mouths it back and then Zayn’s shutting the gate and opening the passenger door and getting in where Louis fires up some godawful sounding indie music which they’ll be arguing about in less than five minutes. 

But then he hears a “You’d forget your head if it was screwed on Dad honestly,” and Hannah’s running out the house and opening the gate, Liam quickly following and she’s holding something in wrapping paper and hands it to her dad.

“Well, go on then.”

Liam looks nervous again now, full of something as well as nerves that Zayn can put his finger on, some kind of emotion that Zayn’s not sure he’s fully in the picture about yet and takes the small parcel from Hannah and hands it to Zayn through the window.

“Yeah sorry, I meant to give this to you on your birthday but you know, and then it never felt like the right moment and it still doesn’t so don’t open it now, maybe in a week or two when the time’s right or whenever.”

Zayn doesn’t know what to say or think, it’s a bit hard when he doesn’t even know what’s in it but as he glances to his right and sees Louis offer a thumbs up, and the warmest smile to Liam, he thinks he’s probably the only one here who hasn’t got a clue and there’s something about that lessens the urge to open whatever it is right now.

“Thanks Liam,” is all he says instead and Liam smiles takes a step back and reaches for Hannah’s hand as Louis restarts the engine.

“Drive safely Lou, take care Zayn.” 

Zayn hears Liam and then waves, as Hannah and Liam wave back at him and Louis drives away and the three of them wave till they can’t see each other anymore and then Zayn looks down at the present and hears a light chuckle from next to him.

“Mark my words mate, this ain’t over.”

Zayn says nothing, doesn’t ask Louis what he means instead he just watches as Louis smiles, starts singing along to bloody Green Day and then turns his attention back to the present and whatever it holds.

And that’s when he realises his hand’s still warm. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be another chapter and possibly an epilogue tho maybe not re the epilogue.
> 
> Please do let me know what you think xxx


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to healing and the future is paved with bumps but somehow it's possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this came sooner than I imagined.
> 
> This chapter is alternate POVs which will be indicated with the name for each time it shifts to make it easier.
> 
> I hope you like it. 
> 
> Any errors etc., are mine. PS. this is the final main chapter.

**_Liam_ **

Life gets back into some kind of routine for Liam and Hannah, with it being just the two of them, they fall into place easier than Liam had thought.

It helps that he works from home most of the time now,  and it helps that he learns to delegate the work he has better and it most of all helps because he thinks of Hannah now.

Not that he ever didn’t but it’s with his whole mind now, it’s with every single lesson that Zayn taught him while he was here because even in the days when Liam shut himself off, he never stopped watching, never stopped noticing. 

For the first few weeks, Liam’s instinctive reaction each time he does something that Zayn would’ve done is to reach for his phone and go to text Zayn.

He never presses send though. Doesn’t want to force himself on Zayn and he needs to move on like Zayn clearly has.

There’s a part of him that wants to know how Zayn is.  A part of him?  Make that, all of him, he wants to know if he’s okay, if he’s found a job and he wants to know what Zayn thought of the birthday gift Liam gave him. 

According to Louis, he didn’t open the present on the journey home but if he’s opened it since and told Louis then Louis' lips are sealed.

Same goes for Niall.   

Niall’s who’s now a part of their lives as much as Louis is.  Niall who brings along Becca who becomes almost a surrogate Auntie for Hannah, a female force in Hannah’s life in the day to day absence of her nan and Nic and Ruth. 

All these people and yet it’s not enough.  When it’s nighttime and Hannah’s in bed, it doesn’t matter if Louis is there, sometimes even with Harry who after Louis had tentatively contacted him to ask him if he’d mind baking a birthday cake for Zayn is slowly but surely becoming a part of the fabric of Louis’ life that Liam knows and he’s sure Louis knows he’s always been destined to be. 

Liam still feels alone because even in those dark days, the self-inflicted dark days when Zayn was here and Liam or Zayn sat upstairs, somehow or other Liam never felt alone. 

Now though?  

And despite the routine, despite the care that Liam takes to build a new life and a new beginning for him and Hannah post-Zayn, post everything, to be honest, it only takes one thing to throw him off, one thing to send him headfirst into feeling alone and more scared than he ever thought possible in the dark days after Claire died and he woke up in a hospital connected to machines. 

The one thing is so innocuous, just a little bang in the car,  not even at speed, just too many people keen to get the first parking spot in the retail park near to the supermarket when it’s pissing down. 

For Liam though?  It may as well be that evening again, and all he can hear instead of car horns is a scream, and then another and then the sound of metal on metal and glass breaking and as he screws his eyes shut but then opens them, it’s not to see daylight or people shaking their fists at him.

Instead, he turns towards the passenger seat and he can hear his own breath hitch and he can hear himself moan, “No Claire, hang on, please love for Hannah.”

Not just once, but twice and over and over.  He’s dimly aware of the sound of a car door opening, and hands touching him and someone saying, “I’ve got his phone.”

But he can’t move, he’s just frozen staring at the passenger seat, feeling pain in every part of him but the most pain is the fact that he knows it’s too late.  

Except, maybe it isn’t.  He just doesn’t know it yet.

**

**_Zayn_ **

“Your go mate.”

A hand appears in Zayn’s vision waving in front of his eyes and he blinks to bring himself back from wherever he’d temporarily gone.

He looks towards the hand and the eyebrows that are raised on the face of Ant while Danny who’s stood behind him rolls his eyes.

“Leave him Ant, he’s in Liam mode again.”

“Fuck off no I’m not,” snaps Zayn as he grabs the snooker cue from Ant’s hand and shoves at Danny who makes a mocking “Ooooh” sound before he starts to laugh. 

Zayn ignores them, leans over the snooker table and fires off a haphazard shot which just ends up with the white in the middle pocket and all the colours anywhere but in a pocket. 

He sighs loudly, his shoulders drop and he chucks the cue onto the table before muttering, “Going for a smoke.”

It’s cold out as you’d expect for a February night and the stars light up the sky above Zayn as he takes a drag on his cigarette.

“Have you opened up the present at least?”  

Zayn looks to his right at Danny as he approaches him pulling out a cigarette which Zayn leans forward and lights with the end of his own then he shakes his head.

“Save it, bro, not in the mood.”

“That’s the problem these days innit mate, you’re not in the mood for talking about Liam, and you’re not in the mood for a fun night out, you’re scarcely in the mood for doing anything except sitting at home in your room like you’re some sulky teenager rather than a grown man.”

Zayn’s instinctive reaction is to glare at his friend but instead, he just says, “Doni?”

Danny smiles, “Nah, Waliyha with a side helping of Safaa being an old woman about you, that and your dad’s face every time I see him and ask how you are and about that Zayn, how are you, I mean really?”

Zayn considers flipping Danny off or giving him a standard response, neither of which would be fair but he takes one last drag from the cigarette, stares back up at the sky and faces Danny as he stubs the cigarette butt out on the floor. 

“I know it was the right thing to walk away so just tell me why do I sit there in my room each night either hovering over the pay button to get a train straight back down there or why the present sits on my bedside table like an unexploded bomb that’ll explode the minute I open it and why I want nothing more than to text him to check he’s okay even though Niall and Louis tell me he is, bloody hell even Hannah tells me he is.”

“All that I knew already Malik you soft dickhead, how are  _ you?” _

Zayn smiles then, “There’s the thing Danny, that’s the cold hard truth about how everything I feel right now is meshed with how much I miss him, how I even miss him ignoring me, and I know it’s fucked up but I do miss him, and  I know I need to move on and I’m gonna and maybe moving on means moving on completely and away from anywhere that’ll take me where I can’t easily get back there and it has to get me away from here I think too, from that house and the sympathetic smiles and my youngest sister trying to ply me with chocolate brownies to make me feel better and smile.”

“Moving away didn’t help you last time mate,” Danny’s hand falls on Zayn’s shoulder and he gives it a squeeze and when Zayn looks into Danny’s eyes, there’s no judgement or unkindness in his words, just the truth.

“I know, but if at first at first, you don’t succeed right?”

“True, just at what cost to you is all I’m worried about, all we’re all worried about, and maybe the truth is that as long as you have a part of Liam in your life at home then you won’t even begin to know what’s it like to try and move on.”

“But what if what’s in there, in that present does anything but help me move on.”

“I guess you’ll never know till you try, till you rip off the plaster and move on and maybe it’s just summat silly, maybe it’s just something trivial in that present or-.”

Zayn shakes his head, “That’s the thing, Dan, I know it’s not and that’s,” he hesitates because really in Zayn’s mind, admitting what he’s about to is the equivalent to him of ripping off the plaster, “that’s what scares me.”

Zayn shivers then and blinks away sudden moisture that stings his eyes and feels a hand cup his neck and he’s drawn closer to Danny and enveloped in an embrace and hears Danny’s words.

“Well, it’s a good thing then that we can help you right? That you can start letting us in and letting us help you, right mate?”

Zayn says nothing, just silently nods and lets the tears continue to fall and why he’s crying he doesn’t even know.

Except he does.  He absolutely does.

**

**_Liam_ **

The waiting room is comforting but also clean and modern, there’s a tv in the corner of the room mounted on the wall that’s showing videos of animals playing.

There are a few magazines on the table in front of Liam and the room smells of coffee, and freshly baked bread probably from the cafe downstairs.  

There’s music, not muzak playing quietly in the background and it’s at once soothing but in Liam’s current state it’s also too much noise.  

He takes another deep breath but the sound he makes is shaky and he lifts his hands up to scrape through his hair and worry at his beard registering the tremble in each hand as he does. 

A hand falls on his back, rubbing circles and he wants to shrug it off but it starts to do the trick. 

“It’s gonna be okay mate, I promise, it’s gonna be okay.”

Liam wants to protest, wants to ask Louis how he’s so certain but he tries instead to let the words sink in because if he doesn’t if he gives in to another stronger instinct he has to run away, what good does that do?

He needs this, has done since the day it all happened or the day he was aware enough to know life had changed forever and he’s done a fairly good- well actually terrible job of dealing with it since and now he remembers it all, he has to do this. 

A door opens in front of them and Liam looks up and the woman smiles.

“Mr Payne?  Liam, whenever you’re ready.”

He looks to his right, to Louis who smiles encouragingly still rubbing the circles on Liam’s back and then he looks back at the lady and ready? Never but maybe it’s time to try.

An hour later and Liam feels a mug being placed in his hand and the tremble is still there,  the puffiness of his eyes is newer and very definitely there and the way he feels like he’s been knocked over by twelve buses is absolutely there.

So is something else though. 

“What did you talk about then Li?”

Liam looks up to where Louis is planting himself on the chair opposite in the coffee shop where Becca works and shrugs.

“Stuff, you know.”

Liam doesn’t miss the way Louis rolls his eyes for a fraction of a second but Louis stops himself before he says anything too sarcastic or whatever he thought of saying and instead he nods.

“Yeah I can imagine but do you like her, do you think it’ll work?”

Liam understands it, understands the hope in Louis’ voice and the urgency he probably feels because Liam feels it too.  Liam’s run out of road on the journey he was on and he’s at the crossroads to whatever next.

Liam wants to tell him everything because once you start saying one thing to another person, once you start to truly admit how you feel, once the dominoes start falling, you almost want to walk around with a sandwich board announcing everything to the world but he can’t, he’s only done forty-five minutes with Tanya after all even though it feels like he did forty-five rounds inside a boxing ring instead but these last couple of weeks since the ‘car park incident’ and the last forty-five minutes or so, he’s said more and admitted more than he ever has in his life. 

It’s scary to face up to and it’s scary within the way he’s feeling and has felt for too long to admit that there’s hope but there is. 

So he lifts up the mug to his mouth, blows at it to cool it a little and then takes a sip before he sets it back down, Louis’ eyes following him everywhere just like they have for the last couple of weeks, hell since the day he woke up in the hospital even and he smiles and maybe it’s him trying to run before he can walk and just like any kid who tries it, he’ll stumble a million times.

But perhaps there’s no harm in it.  

“Yeah, yeah mate I think it will.”

**

**_Zayn_ **

Time moves on, and soon it’s April and Zayn’s doing a few commissions here and there, nothing too amazing, just stuff for local businesses, stuff that doesn’t really require his heart and his soul but pays a few bills. 

He’s started thinking about his future and just like always, he knows it doesn’t lie here.  

Not in Bradford and maybe not even in the UK anymore, he’s not quite ready to hit the send button yet but he’s getting closer.  

The announcement on the train tells him he’s arriving at his destination and he stands up and heads towards the door and follows the other passengers off the train. 

It’s a typical April day in Sheffield, showery but then little breaks in the rain for sunshine and he’s lucky that as he exits the station and walks up the road to the pub just over on the other side of the roundabout it’s sunny for now.

He pushes open the door of the pub and even though it’s a weekday lunchtime, it’s quiet, more bar staff than customers but it helps him spot who he’s looking for immediately.

And he waves then as he realises Louis isn’t alone.

Niall isn’t unexpected as he crosses the short distance to where Zayn’s walking towards them and pulls him into a hug, but it’s not just Niall, the other guy is curly-haired and smiling at Louis who’s bouncing on his feet as Zayn’s released from Niall’s embrace and then rushes forward and hugs Zayn too.

Zayn whispers in his ear, “You finally got your man then?” and he feigns an “Oww that hurt,” as Louis pulls away and slaps him but it’s not a sharp slap and Louis is grinning from ear to ear and rushing back towards Harry before he slaps his forehead and says, “Where are me manners - Neil get Zayn a drink and one for me and Haz as well.”

He hands Niall a twenty-pound note and smiles sweetly at him which does the trick like it always does when people should be mad at Louis but end up being charmed by him instead and Zayn can’t help the laugh that escapes from him as he joins Niall at the bar.

“So how long have they been together?”

“If I tell you, you’ll be disgusted by how soppy it is, and he’ll kill me for spilling it before he has a chance to tell you in that fucking overdramatic actor-y way he is but Valentine’s day would you believe?”

Zayn whistles, “Wow, why am I not even surprised, anyway, how about you mate, everything alright?  Bec okay?”

Niall nods before he holds up his hand as one of the bar staff approaches them and he recites the order that he doesn’t even check with Zayn, he’s always known Zayn’s favourite beer from when they used to go for drinks in Sheffield back when Niall was at uni here. 

As soon as the barman’s back is turned, Niall directs his full attention back to Zayn and answers the questions.

“I’m good man, great in fact, except miss having you just down the road but yeah me and Bec are fabulous, in fact, we’re buying a business together, a little cafe a few miles from our local and yeah it’s pretty great, I’m a lucky man, how about you? You okay?”

Zayn’s saved from replying by the appearance of the round of drinks on the bar and he’s even saved from answering the question for another half hour as Louis and Harry tell the story of how it finally all turned out right in minute detail.

Basically, a blind date x 2 that went wrong that ended up in a fight in a taxi queue and Louis doing a good deed for a stranger that ended up in A&E and ended up in a kiss outside a kebab shop at 3am in the morning.

And, they’re already living together and finishing each other sentences and it’s disgusting except it’s not, it’s perfect and Zayn couldn’t be happier.  

Then Louis pipes up.

“So how're things with you? Are you doing okay? Are you eating enough?  Have you opened the present yet?”

“You told Niall?  And not only did you tell Niall you told Harry?”

Louis’ expression is the picture of innocence as he shrugs.  

“I’m not an island Malik, unlike you, I need to share my thoughts and-.”

“Gossip,” interrupts Zayn.

“Oi,” protests Louis.

“I mean he’s not wrong is he Lou?” Niall says matter-of-factly.

“He’s not,” adds Harry and well, Harry can stay.  

“Nice try deflecting the conversation back to me Malik, “ Louis shakes his head and then knocks on the table with his knuckles, “But it won’t work, so tell us are you okay and did you open it?”

“Yeah, well,” Zayn pauses for just a moment considering his reply, “Yeah actually I’m fine, bored as shit around here, it’s not like down there but it’s been good being back home and it’s helped me think a lot and I think I'm getting there, think I'm getting closer to what am gonna do.”

“And the present,” prompts Harry and okay, maybe Harry needs to go.

“Not there yet,” Zayn admits it and it’s with a bit of relief he does and as he looks from Louis to Niall to Harry, he half expects protests and, “Why not you idiot?”

But instead they nod and Niall squeezes Zayn’s shoulder and a lot of people do that these days apparently.  

“Now get your round in and we can talk about the elephant in the room, the person you’re dying to ask about and yet can’t bring yourself to.”

For a moment Zayn thinks he’d rather talk about the present.  

**

**_Liam_ **

It’s after a session with Tanya in May that Liam knows he’s turned a corner. 

That when he leaves, it’s not with tears in his eyes or any feeling of nausea like almost every other week since this started.  

That night he sleeps like he hasn’t slept in years and it’s probably true, he even thinks of Claire just before bedtime, he talks to Hannah about her and asks her to tell him her favourite memory of her mum and Hannah doesn’t get tearful, instead she lights up and talks for almost an hour of not one memory but so many.

Memories Liam had forgotten about or blanked out because remembering the time before was too painful and yet that cheated him out of good memories of when Hannah was growing up.  

Walking to the park and playing on the swings and going on holiday to Majorca and teaching Hannah to swim between him and Claire, getting up and singing songs on the karaoke embarrassing their daughter and just being a family.  

It had been good, and it’s worth celebrating and it’s even more worth celebrating that he has Hannah and that Liam has his health now, and not just his physical health but his mental health. 

It’s not over, it’s far from over and he knows he’ll have bad days, or weeks to come, maybe even forever it’ll be there but he knows what to do now.

Talk about it a little, and then some more. 

And he knows what to do for him and Hannah now, how to move on and what to do in the future and it was a fledgling of an idea a few years ago when cracks were appearing with him and Claire and the thought that somewhere new may solve it all. 

Liam almost did the backpacker thing and the whole getting pissed in Australia for twelve months when he’d just left college but he’d never been much into drinking anyway, and instead dreams of making it big, and making his family proud took over. 

The time wasn’t right then, nor when Claire was around but now? 

He puts out tentative feelers one Thursday with a bottle of Merlot consumed and Louis encouraging him to press send.

He near gets knocked down in the rush of replies, and it excites him and overwhelms him.

Over breakfast the following Monday he broaches the subject with Hannah who’s chomping on cheerios and drinking her milk while the rain lashes down outside.

“Hey Han, you know where nanny and grandad are, and aunty Nic and Aunty Roo?”

She nods.

“Down under daddy.”

“You know they’ve got lots of koalas there?  And lots of kangaroos and they don’t have bad weather there or at least not much as here, and you love spiders and they have so many spiders.”

“What is it, Dad?”  Hannah’s as sharp as her mum ever was in knowing when Liam’s beating around the bush. 

He reaches a hand across the table letting it fall on top of Hannah’s hand that isn’t holding the cereal spoon.

“I was thinking you and me could go on an adventure there you know?  Spend time with Nanny and Grandad, and maybe you could see what you think of school and well, you know, we can just see how we like it? What do you think?”

Hannah’s almost ten years old and yet as she puts down her spoon and places the hand that was holding on top of her dad’s, she’s the most sensible beautiful amazing child and Liam’s filled with gratitude for all he and Claire did to make her like this.

And Zayn.   Because Zayn helped so much too and that’s not enough to measure how much he did. 

“Okay daddy, I’d like that a lot,” it’s all she says as she then takes away her hand, smiles and picks up the glass of milk and takes a sip before she takes it away from her mouth and there’s a ring of milk around her lips.

“Will we tell Uncle Zayn where we’ll be, you know just in case?”

He shouldn’t answer at all, he should say nothing and yet, he finds himself nodding.  

“Yeah, we can do that.”

**

**_Zayn_ **

“And this is my pressie for you, but you can’t open it till you’re over there okay or at least till you’re on your way?”

Doniya hands him a present that’ll take up way too much room in his luggage but the warning look his dad sends his way as he goes to protest quietens Zayn and instead, he places it on top of one of his suitcases and reaches for Doniya and she squeezes him back so tight whispering.

“I’m so proud of you, just hope you’re doing it for the right reasons but I’m still so proud, this is gonna be the making of you.”

She pulls away then and holds his hands at arm's length just as Waliyha runs into the room.

“They’re here,” she says just before she starts to cry.  Again. 

Zayn has to bite his lips to stop him from crying too and just pulls Wali to him and then he’s got Safaa in his embrace too, both quietly sobbing.

“Ey, you know you can come whenever once I’m settled and I’ll save up so Dad won’t have to pay for flights or not all of them anyway and we’ve got Skype and Whatsapp.”

“If you ever answer them that is,” Wali pulls away and slaps at his arm and then wags her finger.

“I will,” he replies firmly and his sisters look unconvinced but he’s going to spend however long he’s away proving them wrong. 

Doni calls Safaa and Wali away from the room, knowing that prolonged goodbyes are never easy and it leaves Zayn and Yaser alone.

“You know what son, when you were old enough to take notice of stuff, you used to be obsessed with my atlas, my world atlas that had been handed to me through generations and it were falling apart but you loved it and as soon as you were old enough to properly understand numbers you used to make me choose on and then you’d open the page in the atlas for that number and you’d shut your eyes and plonk your finger down on the page and that’s where you were gonna live when you were old enough.”

Yaser smiles at the memory, “Thing is you did it about a hundred times before you got bored so you have a lot of catching up to do but I remember your mum smiling and saying ‘Our boy’s gonna be an explorer, he’s gonna change the world’ and it took a while and there’s been bumps in the road but I always knew your mum would be right and she’ll be so proud but she’ll never be as proud as I am of you and how you’ve grown, and I’m gonna miss you and it’ll be me you have to argue with if you don’t keep in touch at least twice a week, and Zayn you never have to worry or be ashamed if it doesn’t work, if you miss something or someone too much, come back home okay?”

“Someone, dad?”

Yaser steps forward, lifts a hand up to Zayn’s cheek and nods, “Someone yeah, someone who’d be a very lucky man to have you when the time’s right but I’m not interfering okay, just go and do what you’re meant to do and I’ll be here and your mum’ll be helping you along the way.”

Trust his dad to be the one for who the tears come.  He feels a kiss on his cheek and then hears “I love you,” before a suitcase is placed in one hand and then his dad’s saying. “I’ll give you a hand outside to the car and you’d better not forget your sister’s pressie.”

And Zayn’s certain then.  And so grateful. “I love you too dad.”

The words don’t seem enough somehow. 

The journey down to London goes smoothly and the farewells at the airport are much lighter, less emotional, Niall and Louis show up and he feels like they aren’t telling him something but he doesn’t push it, too happy that they’re here and wanting to savour them being around him before he heads off.

Ant and Danny promise they’ll be down to see him as soon as they can, and he knows they mean it, too soon he’s saying goodbye as he walks towards security and soon they’re out of sight and it’s just him and a couple of hours before the flight. 

Zayn buys a magazine and then a coffee and settles down in a comfy chair, he puts his wallet back in the cabin luggage bag he’s carrying and that’s when he sees Doni’s gift. 

He considers opening it but then a thought grabs him, of another present and a lack of courage that stopped him and if anything has made him want to walk out of here and go back home, it’s now as there’s suddenly this longing but he shuts the case, saves the pressie for when he lands the other side and drinks his coffee, blocking out thoughts as best he can for what could keep him here if he let it in. 

**

**_Liam_ **

“Hurry up Hannah, we’ll be late.”

His daughter yells, “I’m coming,” and then as promised hurtles down the stairs, almost colliding with one of many boxes littering the house now. 

The car horn beeps from outside and Hannah’s picking up her bag and opening the door and yelling, “Hiya,” before Liam can hear the thud of her feet running down the path and then he hears, “Dad, come on we’ll be late.”

He lifts up a hand absentmindedly as he looks around him, the house, this house that’s filled with boxes just like it was the day he and Claire and a tiny Hannah moved in all those years ago.

It’s a lot easier in the planning to consider leaving somewhere with so many memories behind than it is in the actual doing, and he’s frozen in place or he feels like he is as he looks around him.

Till a hand squeezes his left shoulder and Louis’ voice gets through.

“Those memories will never go away mate, just time for the next chapter, the new memories you know?”

“Thanks, mate, for everything and you know the thing, you'll do it?"

Louis rolls his eyes but then grins, “I will mate don't worry, and you never had to say thank you, just make sure you warm up that bbq for when me Haz, Niall and Bec come on down and that’s all the thanks we’ll need, now come on or you’ll be late.”

“Deal.” Liam replies as he picks up the luggage Louis isn’t holding and walks out the door, not looking back once but looking forward instead.

Niall doesn’t come to the airport, says something about being tired of goodbyes and it’s a bit melodramatic for Niall and something in it makes Liam wonder but he thinks no more of it as he hugs Louis and Harry and Hannah cries like she’ll never see them again and it’s sobering for a few minutes till they spend an inordinate amount of money on chocolate, a teddy bear that Hannah christens Nourry and colouring books and magazines that make Hannah’s tears a distant memory.

The flights are long, a stopover in Dubai that’s too short to spend any length of time getting to explore the airport but the food is okay, not just okay according to Hannah who declares half-way through the flight to Sydney that “Airplane food’s even better than your cooking Dad,” and they don’t even have any superhero films for him to enjoy but as the sky map shows them getting nearer and nearer Liam’s like a kid at Christmas. 

Eventually they arrive, an hour or so late but make it they do and as they walk to immigration hand in hand even though it’s early morning, it’s sunny and though Sydney in late September can often be a similar temperature to the UK in September..though judging by the last few Septembers in England that’s less true these days, there’s a brightness to the sun that Liam’s in love with already. 

Immigration is uncomplicated and the officer is friendly and cheerful and even gives a ‘Welcome to Australia’ sticker to Hannah who treats it like the best present she’s ever had. 

Waiting for luggage takes about half an hour but they find a seat to sit on and Hannah chatter excitedly about what she’s learned about Koala Bears and which spiders she can safely hold or not. 

They walk through the ‘Nothing to declare’ channel even though Liam could declare excitement off the charts at seeing his family for the first time in so long and soon they’re setting foot in arrivals and Liam’s scanning the crowd for familiar faces but he can’t see them until Hannah cries, “Nanna.”

And then she’s running away from Liam and towards the faces that Liam can see now, and he can’t help it he starts to run too even though he’s carrying heavy bags and then he drops them on the floor as he embraces his dad.

“Welcome to Australia son, welcome.”

The hellos and the emotion as he hugs his sisters and their partners and as he reaches out a hand to pat Ruth’s belly, another reason for getting here this side of Christmas is so he can be here for the arrival of his parents’ second grandchild. 

And then they’re stood still, and Liam says “Well, shall we go, I want to get changed,” when Karen Payne clears her throat and points behind him, a smile filling up her features. 

And Liam’s dreaming surely as he hears Hannah shout, “Uncle Zayn?” and then Liam turns.

He’s not dreaming. 

**

Zayn’s nerves disappear as Liam turns around to face him and as a pair of hands wrap around his legs and he looks down to see Hannah who’s sobbing.

“Why are you here?” She’s saying and well, good question except Zayn knows exactly why he’s here.

He reaches behind him for Hannah’s hands and releases them for a moment before he crouches down to face her, and she’s so much taller than she was but Zayn still does it to meet her eyes.

“Well, that’s what I’m here to explain love, if your dad’ll let me and even if well- I’ll definitely see you again i promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Hannah sniffs and Zayn releases one of her hands and then links the little finger of that hand with Hannah’s.

“Pinky promise.”

“Hannah love, let your dad and Zayn have a chat and we’ll go and have a drink.” Geoff beckons Hannah over who reluctantly lets go of Zayn and even as she walks towards her grandad and is then led away doesn’t stop looking behind her.  

It’s just him and Liam now.  

“Why are you here?” Liam repeats Hannah’s question. 

Time’s been kind to Liam, just like Louis said, the lines that were there for so long seem to have faded and though he looks tired from the flight,  he seems different.

Tense right now maybe but still different. 

Zayn reaches into his jacket before his hand stops, figures he needs to explain first or at least a bit.

“It sat like an unexploded bomb in my bedroom in Bradford for too long and then suddenly one day it was gone and I was too relieved to question it, it was like it was gone and giving me permission to put everything behind me,  _ you _ behind me.”  Zayn pauses, “Thing is after that it was easier to talk about you, easier to get your updates especially when Niall and Louis would tell me about the counselling and how you were putting everything behind you finally, it felt good to know and it made me feel like - I dunno, like I was free suddenly cause you were gonna be alright so I pressed send on an email finally and wound up out here.”

“I don’t understand,” Liam gestures in the direction of where Hannah went, “And I’m tired Zayn and-.”

“Yeah, course you are sorry, anyway I ended up out here with all my luggage and a present from Doni in my hand luggage that I opened the second night I was here, except it wasn’t from Doni and she’d disguised it well.”

Zayn reaches into the pocket of his jacket then and pulls out the book.  

“It made sense that it would’ve been from Doni you know cause only she knew or at least I thought she did, cause this book Li, and mum,” Zayn’s words get lost as he looks down at the book and just like each time he sees it, the emotion and the implication of Liam buying it for him overtake him.

"Your mum used to read it to you, and then when she was dying, you used to read it her I know, please don’t get upset Zayn.”

Liam’s a step from him now,  his hand flailing in the air as he almost touches Zayn’s arm but not wanting to or being afraid to maybe. 

“How do you know though Liam?”

“That night, the night it all went tits up or the night before, we both got plastered on Merlot and Cider and before the-you know.”

“The kiss.”

“Yeah, i got upset about Claire and you then told me about your mum and about that book, and I never forgot until I did and even though I was fucking everything up I still knew when your birthday was and I knew no matter what I wanted to buy you that and my work, it gave me connections to publishers who could get hold of first editions and all that and yeah.”

“And yeah Liam? Fucking hell, and yeah?  Its way more than and yeah, and you know it, this book and you, all I wanted to do was come back and I dunno, scream at you for wasting all that time or kiss you so fucking much for listening and not forgetting and giving me something that reminded me of home when I was stuck in a place so unfamiliar.”

Liam smiles then, a little bit unsure, a little bit like the first day Zayn met him.

“So you don’t hate me for me it?”

Zayn almost laughs but laughing seems too much, too inappropriate for all he wants to say and so he shakes his head.

“Not at all mate, I don’t hate you at all and I never could and do you know what I did, I phoned Niall in a state who was having a double date with Lou and Harry and of course Becca and Louis phoned Karen or texted her and yeah.”

“So that’s how they knew to wait? And that’s why they didn’t seem shocked?”

“Yeah Liam, and they’re why I’m here, well part of it, cos you’re the main reason because I got to know you again through them, and through knowing what I’ve always known and it just so happens that Doni and Ruth have a mutual admiration society and Doni’s busting a gut to get down here and spend Christmas here with us all when Ruth’s had the baby,” Zayn hesitates nervous now as he adds, “But that all depends.”

“On what?”

“On you, on whether you’re ready?”

Liam huffs a little impatiently and Zayn forgot how amusing and adorable he found it before he remembers he should be nervous.

“On whether for what Zayn, come on?”

“To start again Leeyum, to start again.”

And there it is.  As Zayn stares at Liam whose confusion, turns to realisation and a thousand different emotions seem to take over his face before he takes a final step forward and tilts his head to one side before he grins and nods.

"Why not?  Got nothing better to do.”

It’s all kinds of stereotypes, it’s cannonballs going off, it’s fireworks exploding in his head but it’s not a foolhardy drunken moment also as Liam leans forward and kisses Zayn, just for a moment, or maybe it’s a minute Zayn pretty much loses all his faculties at that point. 

TIll Liam pulls away and he’s saying something.

“I think we’d best go tell Hannah the good news don’t you?” and then like he’s trying the word out in his head and on his tongue for the first time, Liam adds with a nervous smile, “Babe.”

Liam reaches his hand out then as Zayn places the book back into his inside pocket and Zayn’s never forgotten how it felt, and he thinks he’ll never have cause to forget again.

Warmth.

Just now with added security, and love and a promise that this is the last time to start again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know your thoughts. Would you like an epilogue?


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's see....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The epilogue is finally here. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Any errors etc. as always down to me.

“I’m not being funny Zayn, but you’d think that after being out here all this time, you’d have learned how not to fucking burn a burger on the bbq.”

Louis grumbles as he lifts up the burger bun and stares at the meat.

“Language Louis,” hisses Harry at the same time Karen says it.

“Sorreee,” Louis mutters sheepishly before he adds, “It’s just an observation that’s all.”

Zayn turns around from where’s stood at the bbq and looks around for him a moment then quick as a flash flips the bird at Louis who starts to laugh.

“This is what I miss, this is why I keep saying we should move to Australia Hazza if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d end up Home and Away and make a twat of myself with my attempt at an Australian accent.”

Harry puts his wine glass down and pats his fella’s knee, “You’d be amazing Lou, you’d always be amazing.”

Louis positively beams and Zayn’s about to tell someone to pass him a sick bag when a hand touches his arm and he feels Liam’s on his cheek.

“Hey babe, sorry, Hannah got distracted by a new brand of ice creams in the supermarket and whether they were better than the normal ones or not.”

Zayn grins at his fiance and waves the tongs as if to say “Don’t worry about it,” before he spots Hannah and says, “And what won Hannah?”

Hannah grins as she picks up a chair and drags it to next to where Louis and Harry are sat and says, “We got both Dad.”

“Leeyum, we’ve got barely any room left in the freezer as it is with all the pavlovas your mum’s obsessed with making.”

Liam shrugs, “Its just ice cream Zayn, and look at this weather, we’ll polish them off within a few days now turn that thing off, pull up a chair and we can wait till Dad gets back from the airport.”

Zayn shakes his head at Liam but then as Karen stands next to him, and as he watches Liam pull two chairs up to the table and everyone moves outwards to make room for them, any annoyance disappears easily like always and he smiles at Karen who grins happily at him and hands him a bottle of beer.  

They sit around the table laughing and sharing stories from home. Louis holding court as always but Harry and Liam giving him a run for his money while Hannah begs her dad to swap places so she can sit next to Zayn and even though she’s getting older and not far off a teenager now,  she and Zayn are close, so close and their shared love of art and Hannah’s new found love of drawing animals makes the bond even tighter.

To Zayn’s right are Nicola and her partner and then Ruth and hers and then her little one, a boy called Sam who’s firmly in the crawling phase but is currently sat on his grandma’s lap eyes darting around him before he falls asleep.

It’s a world and a scenario that Zayn had hoped for himself but never truly thought it’d happen. 

It’s perfect.  

“Hellooooo, anyone home?”

And it gets even more perfect each year when the tradition they started last year happens and Zayn pushes his chair back and runs towards the voices and Wali and Safaa who grow ever more like their mum each year and grow up too much each time Zayn talks to them on Skype collide with him and laugh and hug him before he greets Doni who’s got her family in tow and then there’s Yaser who’s talking with Geoff as he walks into the room but breaks the conversation immediately to embrace his son and then Liam and Hannah. 

“Oi Oi, hope you feckers haven’t started on the coffee without your favourite Baristas to start the party properly.”

Louis runs past Zayn then before Zayn can take a step forward to greet Niall and hugs him.

“Thank god for some proper British normality.”

Niall glares at him then,  “The fuck Tommo.”

“Oh for god's sake, British/Irish, the same difference you know what I mean, at least with you here I can feel the proper winter chill back for a minute, well I know what I mean anyway, welcome to Oz Neil.”

Niall rolls his eyes as Becca hugs Louis and then Harry and as Zayn takes a step back as everyone congregates in the garden, Liam joins him.

They watch as Hannah holds Sam and bounces him around while Safaa makes funny faces at him and their families, the two families including Doni’s and well Louis and Harry and Niall and Becca who are as much as the family as anyone else here talk and laugh and Zayn looks around him, at the walls in the room which are covered in pieces of Zayn's art, he's inspired now like never before and things aren't perfect, Liam got the recommendation from Tanya to see someone over here but it's really not that bad this life.

Liam nudges into Zayn then.

“We did alright didn’t we, we did a good job of it didn’t we?”

Zayn turns away from looking at the outside and fully faces Liam, the man he loves and the man he’ll marry next New Years Eve, “What babe?”

“Starting again, you and me and this little place we call home?”

Zayn grins, pulls Liam closer to him and nods.

“We did babe, we did.”

Their lips close in on each other’s and okay they can hear catcalls but they don’t care. 

They can always do it again. 

Start again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed this story. Sorry, it took me so long to complete. Please let me know what you thought. xxx


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